Goodbye letter to my ED.

Dear Ed
It was about 6 years ago that you first befriended me. Things were hard at school and things were not much better at home but you rescued me. I felt alone, misunderstood and scared but you were there to support me. You became the best friend I knew others would disapprove of but I needed you so I kept you a secret, locked away, deep within my mind where only I could hear you. You guided me through every difficult situation. You told me what to do and your advice never failed. Those difficult feelings disappeared and I felt in control. I was rarely ever praised for my achievements and hard work but that didn’t matter anymore. All I needed to do was step on the scales and like you promised if it went down...I felt amazing. You blocked out everything bad in my life by turning my attention to what you made me believe was the most important things in the world...weight, food and eating. I became so focused on this I was unable to see how you also blocked out all of the good things too. More importantly...I couldn’t see the person you were making me. Not until the damage was done. You made me lie and deceive my own friends and family. You made me irritable, depressed and isolated. I detached myself from friends in fear of having to eat. I became angry and manipulative around my mum and dad. I lost all sense of joy and friendliness. I lost myself as everything I ever was became suffocated beneath you! You found your way into my consciousness, made me trust you and then just as you had ingrained yourself and made yourself comfortable you began to take further control over my body in your attempt to kill me. You took down my defences....you weakened my immunity, took away my warmth, destroyed my strength, and robbed me of every bit of energy I allowed you to take. Then you began to play and found ways to damage even my own biological rights....You prevented me sleeping, you toyed with my hormones, you took away my right to have children!
But you couldn’t touch my intelligence. You couldn’t take away the people in my life who made me want to live...not just survive...live. Although you tried, you were not strong enough and were never able to destroy my passion, my dreams and my ambitions. And that is what gave me the ability to see that you were never really my friend. What kind of a friend does that? From the moment I saw you for what you really are I searched and searched within me to find the determination, the strength, the courage and the faith that I knew was still in me to free myself from you. For a year and a half now I have fought everyday to break the bonds you so carefully built in my mind in an attempt to destroy you. I now question if you’re even destroyable, however I think I’ve finally got perhaps as close as I’ll ever get and that’s good enough for me.
You’ve not made recovery easy. I’ve fallen, and fallen and fallen. But I got back up and every time I got that little bit stronger. You caused argument after argument, panic attack after panic attack and made me fear everyday as you bullied me for going against you. But I didn’t give in. So many times I wanted to. I found myself believing that my life was better with you but I gradually came to learn better than believing any of your lies.
You made my life hell and have been the worst experience of my life. But you have also been the most valuable one. You have made me who I am today and for once I can actually say that I am someone I am proud to be. I have discovered more strength and courage in myself than I ever expected to have. I have learnt to accept myself and feel good about who I am. I have been able to start over and begin to mould myself into the sort of person I want to be. I have found control and rationality in my thinking allowing me to overcome any situation. And I have taken a very big step in discovering myself.
Since I was discharged I think I have been scared to let you go. I have held onto you almost in a state of grief. I have been afraid of who I am without you. But now I think I’m ready. I feel confident in myself as a person to survive without you and now I am ready to say goodbye. I’m sure you will always be somewhere deep within me but that is how I would like it to stay...beneath the surface where you can never hurt me.