The darkest hour is just before the dawn.

Hey wonderful people,

I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho... if you haven't read it then I really recommend it... it's such a beautiful book!

I'm telling you this because I came across a bit of it that I really loved as a quote and want to share it with you....

"Before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."

We can look at this from a recovery perspective... After months/years/decades of our journey to recovery (the dream) things can seem to suddenly become difficult again (such as a relapse or a very difficult/emotional situation that has the potential to cause a relapse). The world is not trying to be evil and put us through even more pain but it is putting everything you have learnt in your recovery journey to the test. It may seem easy to give up and allow the eating disorder to take over once again. But if you hold on that little bit longer you will get through to the other side where you are able to reach your dream knowing from your test that you have learnt the skills along the way needed to keep you there.

Hope you're all ok
p.s. since my last blog..... I'm doing great... food NOT an issue :)

Love Jasmin

Time to get happy again...

First of all I realise my blog lately has basically become about me coping with life at the moment... It won't stay like this. But then I guess that's what I'm about. I write as a release and then I share it on here in the chance that something I say relates to other people and helps them in some way.

As this is a recovery blog about every up and down it would be wrong of me to lie to you about where I am right now. If I did, I would be accepting that I'm ashamed and none of us should feel ashamed of being in recovery!

The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They could've been worse I guess but that fear of eating has just jumped out of nowhere. I went to get lunch during work yesterday, paced up and down over and over in front of the food and I ended up leaving with a diet coke. Something in me just wouldn't let me buy food even though I was hungry and I wanted it. I was scared of the feelings I'd experience after even though I haven't felt those guilty, punishing feelings in over a year!

Despite this I believe it is just a small trip up along my path. I won't relapse... I've come too far and won't let myself now. I have faith in myself and my strength to stay healthy. So what am I going to do?

I finally spoke to Matt the other day. He said he's not been thinking too much and has been staying in the moment, focusing on the present. That is something I've never been good at! But I think it's a skill I should work on. If I can stay in the present, a lot of those uncomfortable feelings that I want to deal with through food won't be there and I won't be worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. I need to remember to take it day at a time.

Before Matt came along I had spent a lot of that year focusing on myself and growing into a happier person. I was constantly reading books/using affirmations etc to change how I felt about the world and myself. When Matt entered my life I guess I stopped a bit because I was so happy I didn't feel the need to change anything I felt. The problem is, developing your happiness through affirmations, positive thinking, gratitude etc is a way of life, not a crash course. After basically a year away from that way of behaving I have now realised it is something I need to continue in order to feel good about myself. I'm going to go back to focusing on loving myself and believing that everything happens for a reason and will be ok.
I'll use affirmations, read books, be nicer to myself, be more grateful, see the positives and act as if life couldn't be better. Doing that before gave me a life that actually couldn't be better as I was so happy. If I want that again then all I have to do is return to focusing on these things and making my mind a much happier place to live.

Love Jasmin

People like to talk about food and eating...that's life. But there's still that part of me underneath that thrives on it. Part of me hates it because I've worked so hard to gain the views I now have on food but part of me loves it because it's justification for those old eating disordered thoughts.
What I believe now, whether it's true or false helps me to stay healthy and feel safe around food. It helps me to block out the eating disorder. But as soon as someone starts talking about food and dieting it's like the eating disorder wakes up. I try to argue against people as a way to prevent those eating disordered thoughts making their way into my subconscious but it's a struggle. People don't always understand and might think I'm annoyed with them when really I'm just annoyed with the situation because it creates such a difficult battle in my head.
It's like the eating disorder grabs on to what that person is saying in an attempt to make its way back in. I go off into my own little world where I'm trying to reassure myself that my way of thinking now is healthy and I don't have to let anyone influence that while the eating disorder pokes at me to hold onto those negative thoughts so that it can get its own way by persuading me to give into it.
Sometimes there may be a lot of truth in what is being said...but while a simple statement might be a small healthy belief in that person's life, for someone who has had an eating disorder it has the potential to grow into a self destructive belief system that destroys them as a person when the eating disorder takes over.
Talking brings back memories. Once again the eating disorder loves it and pulls on them until I give in to the positives of that memory, of course it will never allow me to focus on the bad when it's trying to persuade me. It's proud of those memories of fasting and weight loss and I feel that part of me take over when I can't help pointing out those "successes" to others. That's not the kind of person I want to be, I'm not proud of hurting myself. Those memories are a part of my past to remind me why I chose to recover and have the life I have now, not to point out to other people how good I was able to starve myself...it is not a talent or achievement!
This might be a challenge I face now. But gradually I hope to develop the resilience I need in these situations to block out the negative thoughts. It will be difficult but it will make me stronger!

Love Jasmin x

The benefits of an eating disorder...

I know what you're thinking....there are benefits? Yes and I'm not talking about losing weight because remember weight loss caused by our eating disorder is NOT an achievement even if it feels that way at the time. And I'm not just talking about the benefits of recovering. I'm talking about the benefits of the whole experience, the benefits we gain from the battle, the benefits we gain in growing as people because of our eating disorder.

When you get to a point where you are sick of the eating disorder and are ready to recover it is easy to look at the eating disorder and see all the negatives and hate it for what it does to you. That's good because you are seeing the eating disorder for what it really is and it drives you to recover. But there comes a point when being so angry about having an eating disorder and hating yourself for it can have the opposite affect. You might have even recovered already but looking back with regret and sadness at that experience isn't going to change what happened and is only going to affect your happiness that you deserve now that you're free.
If you had a choice would you like to look back on your life with regret and anger, wishing that things had been different or would you like to look back with acceptance and happiness because everything you have been through has lead you to be who you are today (hopefully that's a recovered and happy person). It doesn't matter what we've been through in our lives, we all deserve to be happy and accept our lives as they are because no amount of worrying, regretting, or anger is going to change the past. But we can change how we feel about the past if we look at our experience in a new light.

So we have had/have an eating disorder, we can't change that. But as it's eating disorder awareness week I thought it would be the best time to try to look at our eating disorder from a new light and appreciate the person it has helped to make us today...

- Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that every situation we face no matter how good or bad, happens to help us learn something new or change the course of our life in a positive way if we are able to see the opportunity or to meet new people who in turn affect our life. We might not see it straight away but there really is something to gain through everything we experience.
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations."

- We discover ourselves. Recovery from an eating disorder takes a lot of soul searching. You learn to dig beneath the ed and find out who you really are. Most people go through day to day life never really questioning themselves or as silly as it may sound getting to know themselves. They don't have a reason to. But we get that chance and we come through the other side being a lot more in touch with ourselves. When you understand yourself as a person I find it makes life more rewarding. I feel more like an individual and like a worthwhile person because I can see what makes me, me. I think for me the most important thing I learnt about myself or learnt to use from within myself is my spirituality. I'd definitely call myself a spiritual person which I never did before. Having that spirituality has made me a much happier person and I doubt I would have discovered it or realized it's potential if it wasn't for my eating disorder.

- We learn to love and respect ourselves. For most of us our low self esteem probably played a big part in our eating disorder. Of course many people without eating disorders and low self esteem often have a higher sense of love and respect for themselves than we start off with but do they stop to question it or appreciate the skill of loving and respecting themselves. Do they question if they could love themselves more? Be nicer to themselves? Or see it as a priority? We learn the importance of these skills and it is such a good feeling when you reach that point where you can accept yourself and feel good about yourself. We learn the techniques to increase our self acceptance more and more giving us the potential to have such good self esteem if we allow ourselves to.

- We become stronger. All I want to do to elaborate on this is share some quotes with you which I really think emphasis the strength we are able to gain through suffering.
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
"In the midst of winter, I found there was within me, an invincible summer."
"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."

- We learn to manage our emotions and understand them. We have the opportunity to become emotionally healthy people who not only stop using food to deal with emotions but learn the healthiest way to deal with them. When we understand our emotions and why we feel the way we do they become easier to deal with. Now we understand them we are prepared for life. Of course they will affect us but we have the potential to be in a place where we can deal with them in the best possible way.

- We are able to appreciate other people's problems and understand other people better. When you learn so much about the connection between thoughts, feelings, behavior and life experiences you begin to have a lot more sympathy for people. I find I am now a lot less judgmental about people because you never know what is going on in someone's life. You are able to understand the layers there are to people and see beyond the exterior.

- We are able to appreciate life. When you've been through hell and back the freedom of recovery feels amazing. You are able to appreciate every breath of fresh air, every moment of happiness, every bit of energy you have, every moment of enjoyment, every thing that makes you smile. You are thankful for getting through to the other side to such a beautiful new world and you are ready to embrace it and love every moment of life.

So if I could go back and change my experience, would I? Probably not. It has made me who I am today and that is a much stronger and happier person. It has taught me to see life in a new way and understand life and myself in a new way. Recovery has provided me with skills for life not just connected to beating my eating disorder but in continuing to be a happy, healthy person. So I won't look back at my eating disorder with regret but with relief and a sense of achievement because I got through it and it has given me so much to be thankful for.

Guest Blogger....Maintaining a positive attitude through illness

Here is a post that Eric Stevenson very kindly offered to share with through the clouds about maintaing a positive attitude through illness which I definitely agree with! My negative attitude about relapsing ended up actually causing my relapse and I'm sure more of you can understand that. Ever since my own recovery and through reading different books I have become very pro positive thinking and I think it can change your life dramatically and especially help you recover from your eating disorder. Here's what Eric has to say....

Individuals struggling with any kind of serious illness are prone to anxiety and depression. These are difficult problems to overcome, and can sometimes even cause enough stress to exacerbate the original illness. The good news is that the reverse is also true – having a positive attitude has been shown to help with recovery and mitigate the side effects of both illness and treatment. Staying positive is a difficult but important goal when faced with sickness.

There is no single mindset or approach that will work for everyone. Some people may take comfort in learning everything there is to know about their condition so that they can plan in advance. Others might find this amount of information overwhelming, and instead prefer to take it one day at a time. One man who followed the former strategy is popular science author Stephen Jay Gould. He was diagnosed with mesothelioma, an aggressive form of cancer that usually has a survival rate of 9 to 12 months. But he didn’t let himself be discouraged by that figure, instead focusing on the fact that his otherwise good health and positive attitude gave him the best chance to survive. He lived with mesothelioma symptoms for another 20 years before passing away from an unrelated cancer.

This is not to say that Gould’s positive attitude is the only thing that helped him beat the odds. Rather, his famous essay “The Median Isn’t the Message” is an example of one man finding hope in an unusual place: statistics. His story illustrates the uniqueness of the human spirit in finding ways to remain positive in the face of a frightening situation. Even for those facing illnesses far less immediately threatening than the symptoms of mesothelioma, maintaining a good attitude can have real, tangible effects on day-to-day life.

"The morning sun is shining just for you"

"Difficulties arise in the lives of us all. What is most important is dealing with the hard times, coping with the changes, and getting through to the other side where the sun is still shining just for you...
It takes a strong person to deal with tough times and difficult choices. But you are a strong person.
It takes courage. But you possess the inner courage to see you through.
It takes being an active participant in your life. But you are in the driver's seat, and you can determine the direction you want tomorrow to go in...
Try not to lose sight of the one thing that is constant, beautiful and true:
Everything will be fine - and it will turn out that way because of the special kind of person you are.
So...beginning today and lasting a life time through - hang in there, and don't be afraid to feel like the morning sun is shining...just for you." (Douglas Pagels)

Finding the positives...

When in recovery it can feel like you are constantly taking 1 step forward, 2 steps backwards. You may find that all you can see are the negatives, the "failures", the bad days, the new things/fears you try to face but don't succeed at straight away.

This can be known as a way of thinking called discounting the positives. I particularly struggled with this type of thinking. No matter how well I was doing or how much progress I was making all I could see were the things I wasn't achieving or the negatives. Thinking this way can make you feel low and depressed which may hold you back. It can make you feel like giving up. The truth is, the positives are there, you're just choosing not to see them.

Here are a few ideas for learning to focus on the positives:

- Start a gratitude book: At the end of every day write down all the positive things you can remember, it can be both eating disorder related (trying a new food) and non related such as a hug from a friend. You'll start to see there are lots of things every day that are positive and to be grateful and happy for.

-Sticker poster: I particularly like this one. Draw a picture of your eating disorder...however you want it to look, a person, a colour, a symbol, anything. Maybe write words over it that you associate with your eating disorder such as feelings it causes. Put it on your wall or somewhere you can see it. Everytime you overcome an eating disorder rule or do something positive to fight your eating disorder, put a sticker over the picture. Gradually as you add more stickers your eating disorder will be covered by all the stickers/positive steps you've taken forwards. When you feel like you're 'failing' you can look at it and see how far you've come and how many times you've managed to fight it.

-Write a list of all the reasons you have to be happy. Even if you feel like you don't have any keep thinking and I'm sure you'll find some you just have to allow yourself to see them. Do you have good friends? A nice house? A job you like?

See the positives, feel happier, and you're eating disorder will lose a bit more power and you are taking another step towards your rainbow.

Love Jasmin x

Make your life what you want it to be

I have just been watching a video on a recovery blog and I really liked something she said...

"Recovered to me means that you are living the way you want to live and it doesn’t take an extreme amount of effort to do so."

Right now I feel like my life has got to a point where at this moment in time I am living the way I want to live. I love my uni, my job, my friends, I have become a lot more independent, now I have a job I have a bit more money to be able to spend some on myself, I have just moved into a great new flat in an area I love, family life isn't too bad, I'm not depressed anymore, eating is going well, and as much as my body isn't exactly how I want it, I can live with it without hating myself.

If your life isn't how you want it, ask yourself how you want it to be? What do you need in your life right now and what would make you happy. Of course we'd all like to be millionaires or be famous but think realistically about how your life could be if you took the right steps forward.
After answering this think about how you could achieve some of those things. If you would like a job, start looking. If you would like new friends go out and meet people. If you would like to do something new but don't have the qualifications do a course in whatever it is you think will make you happier.
I believe that if you start to focus on improving other areas of your life and make it the way you want it then recovery will become easier. You will be happier which will cause you to depend less on your eating disorder to give you control. Start to take control of your life in other ways.

You might be thinking that this is easier said than done and how can you make your life the way you want it to be? Start thinking positively. A few months ago my life was no where near where I wanted it to be. But I decided to change how I thought. I started to do different exercises and read books to improve positive thinking. Since then my life has somehow, miraculously improved in so many areas. I will do a post soon on positive thinking to help you with this.

Don't wait for further recovery to start making your life the way you want it. Start doing it now and recovery will follow.

Hope everyone is well, stay strong.
Love Jasmin xxx

The Serenity Prayer

Just because I like it...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever in the next."

Love Jasmin xxxx

"This is me damn it!"

The following is a quote by Stacey Charter which I read earlier and liked so I thought I'd share it with you...

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me...or leave me. Accept me...or walk away! Do not try to make me like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mould. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."

Love Jasmin x