Time to get happy again...

First of all I realise my blog lately has basically become about me coping with life at the moment... It won't stay like this. But then I guess that's what I'm about. I write as a release and then I share it on here in the chance that something I say relates to other people and helps them in some way.

As this is a recovery blog about every up and down it would be wrong of me to lie to you about where I am right now. If I did, I would be accepting that I'm ashamed and none of us should feel ashamed of being in recovery!

The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They could've been worse I guess but that fear of eating has just jumped out of nowhere. I went to get lunch during work yesterday, paced up and down over and over in front of the food and I ended up leaving with a diet coke. Something in me just wouldn't let me buy food even though I was hungry and I wanted it. I was scared of the feelings I'd experience after even though I haven't felt those guilty, punishing feelings in over a year!

Despite this I believe it is just a small trip up along my path. I won't relapse... I've come too far and won't let myself now. I have faith in myself and my strength to stay healthy. So what am I going to do?

I finally spoke to Matt the other day. He said he's not been thinking too much and has been staying in the moment, focusing on the present. That is something I've never been good at! But I think it's a skill I should work on. If I can stay in the present, a lot of those uncomfortable feelings that I want to deal with through food won't be there and I won't be worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. I need to remember to take it day at a time.

Before Matt came along I had spent a lot of that year focusing on myself and growing into a happier person. I was constantly reading books/using affirmations etc to change how I felt about the world and myself. When Matt entered my life I guess I stopped a bit because I was so happy I didn't feel the need to change anything I felt. The problem is, developing your happiness through affirmations, positive thinking, gratitude etc is a way of life, not a crash course. After basically a year away from that way of behaving I have now realised it is something I need to continue in order to feel good about myself. I'm going to go back to focusing on loving myself and believing that everything happens for a reason and will be ok.
I'll use affirmations, read books, be nicer to myself, be more grateful, see the positives and act as if life couldn't be better. Doing that before gave me a life that actually couldn't be better as I was so happy. If I want that again then all I have to do is return to focusing on these things and making my mind a much happier place to live.

Love Jasmin

A roller coaster of emotions...

Recently my boyfriend broke up with me. As horrible as the past 6 weeks have been, being the person I am I like to see each difficult situation as an opportunity to grow and learn something. This experience has definitely been a learning curve!

I want to share my experience with you because although its a very specific situation I think my coping techniques could be applied to many situations.

For the first 2 weeks I was....GREAT... ok bit of an exaggeration but I was ok. I knew I was likely to be upset, feel alone and beat myself up for it because I'd feel it was my fault and I must be a bad person. So first of all I acknowledged that. Then I decided to find a way of coping with that. I was nice to myself! I booked myself in for a deep tissue massage and treated myself. I let myself relax and be kind to myself instead of punishing myself with self hate.
My next technique was to surround myself by supportive people. I thought this would be hard but it was surprisingly easy... people wanted to be there for me! They wanted to spend time with me and take me out and make me feel better. This resulted in a very busy two weeks... it was great because it completely distracted me and made me feel cared about. I was surprised at how good I felt considering the situation. It also helped because a lot of these social situations involved food which made it a lot easier to eat. I didn't find that I suddenly wanted to lose weight and stop eating but naturally my appetite disappeared a lot. Situations where I kind of had to eat helped this.

After the first couple of weeks I think the whole thing hit me. I felt numb. I didn't know what to think or feel about the situation. I could feel myself secluding myself slightly more. This was a hard phase to deal with. I didn't know how I felt so I didn't know how to cope with it.

Luckily I quickly went from this phase to being very upset. I seemed fine and everyone thought I was doing such a great job of coping but I felt miserable. I just wanted to cry but I didn't want other people to know how I felt. I just wanted him to come home and started to wish time away. I started to lose enthusiasm for everything I enjoy. To deal with this I started reading a lot more. When I read I can completely escape to another world. My mind was taken away from the situation and the feelings went with it.

Next.. I got angry. I could understand why Matt had broken up with me but I had tried to contact him because he said he still wanted to be friends and he wasn't replying... this hurt the most... and still does as I still haven't had a reply! I didn't like being angry because I knew he had good intentions but then I realised I had every right to be angry and that was ok. I was able to put myself first and admit I'm worth more than this! I sent him a message telling him this and I've felt a lot better since then. Ive been going on a lot of dates which I think has been good for me (especially as it's always nice to have someone spoil you!)

Since we broke up I've constantly assessed how I feel and thought about how I could deal with those feelings instead of using food. It hasn't been easy but I'm still healthy and eating so it's worked!
Throughout the whole thing I've used my usual coping technique... writing. Such a good release!

I've kept myself surrounded by positive and supportive people and I finally feel like I'm getting to a good place. A place where at least for now I just want to be 21 and have a lot of fun... which is exactly what I'm doing!

So that's how I coped... hope it's useful in one way or another...

Love Jasmin

Recovery is not and never will be perfect....so don't try to make it.

Heyy, Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything. Life's been pretty busy. I guess I should start by saying Happy New Year! I hope it's brought lots of new hope for you all and you haven't been too strict or pressurizing on yourself with your resolutions. This is actually the first year I've not set myself any resolutions involving my weight or recovery. Things aren't completely back to normal since my relapse and I thought about a resolution to overcome those things but then I realized I'm just setting myself up to feel bad if I don't manage to do it. I'm better off not having any expectations and taking each day as it comes and giving myself time rather than pressurizing myself to suddenly change just because it's a new year. Yes it's a good time to put things behind you and maybe see it as a chance to start again but be gentle with yourself and don't punish yourself if things aren't changing, recovery is still a process and a new year won't speed that up. That brings me on to the topic of this post.....

One thing I'm sure we're all aware of is the constant ups and downs of recovery. It's a constant battle and you forever feel like you move forwards and then you take a step back again. Sometimes you even feel like you're right back at the beginning again or getting nowhere. I just want to remind you that that is ok. It's part of recovery and no-one expects anything else. RECOVERY IS NOT PERFECT.
More importantly because it's something I have needed to learn to accept since being recovered is that even once you're recovered, you're relationship with food won't always be perfect and there may be bad days. I became so focused on not allowing myself to lapse and having "perfect" months where I didn't purge that months and months into being recovered when I had a bad day it triggered my relapse. It was one bad day but instead of accepting it and trying to move past it I beat myself up because I had broken my perfect no purging streak which just caused so many more problems. I felt that one bad day meant my eating disorder was back and I just gave into it when I could have fought it.
The more you try to make recovery perfect the harder it will be when you have a bad day, and there will be bad days because no-one recovers overnight. Instead, prepare yourself for those bad days, have a plan of action for when you fall, what can you do to help yourself get back up again. Remember that a bad day or even a bad week or month does not mean you aren't making progress. They are just speed bumps slowing you down but you are still heading in the same direction.
Every time I went back to my dietitian after doing really well and then having a bad week or day he said it was a good thing because it raised more issues to deal with. And the more you can deal with in recovery and the more you learn about your eating disorder the better things will be when you are out of treatment.
So accept recovery as a journey full of unexpected turns. You never know what each day is going to bring but whatever it is be kind to yourself and see each day as a new step forwards because even the bad days have a purpose. No matter what you are always in control of choosing to keep moving forwards and one day you will get there.

Hope you're all ok
Love Jasmin

How to stop a lapse becoming a relapse...

First of all I'd just like to share with you that on Saturday I have my beat ambassador training day so as of then I shall be a beat ambassador :D

So, for me I have always felt prepared to prevent lapses and relapses from happening. I know my triggers and so when I am faced with them I know that I am vulnerable to my eating disorder at those times and can fight to prevent a lapse starting. I hope it is similar for you and that you are able to identify your triggers because it's so important in being able to fight your ed. But what if you do relapse? What if you can't prevent it? What do you do then?

Lapses are a normal part of the recovery process. Sometimes we can fight with every bit of energy we have but they can come from nowhere. That was the case with my lapse. I was the happiest I've ever been and it happened so suddenly I had no idea what caused it. I was prepared to prevent one but when it happened I had no idea what to do next. A lapse can be stopped and it doesn't need to become a relapse. But to do that it is a good idea to have a plan incase you are struggling to regain control. Here is some idea's that I learnt from my experience but there are lots of other things that you may find help you.

- First try to identify the cause. If it isn't obvious then perhaps try to write a list of all the possible causes. Then challenge them. By this I mean, what would be the best way to deal with that problem instead of using the eating disorder.
- Make sure you have support, talk to your friends and family.
- Talk to someone other than friends and family. Perhaps a teacher or your therapist if you have one. As great as my friends and family are I often feel guilty for letting everything out to them and I dont want to worry them. But by talking to someone with less emotional connections I feel I can talk more openly without the guilt and it gives me a greater sense of relief.
- At a moment when you are thinking more rationally try to write a food plan that you could try to stick to.
- Gain support from help lines or recovery forums such as the beat messageboards.
- Use distractions
- Surround yourself with people that make you happy.
- Make sure there's food in the house you feel comfortable around but also enjoy - foods that you will be tempted to eat but hopefully won't trigger a binge or make you too guilty.
- Be gentle with yourself. Lapses are normal so don't beat yourself up as it may only make things worse.
- Take precautions - go to the doctor, warn friends and family.
- Remind yourself of reasons to be recovered.
- Spring clean your life - Do you need to catch up on sleep, have some leisure time, catch up on work, de-stress?
- Take each day at a time.
- Do recovery activities.
- Put yourself back in 'recovery' mode as much as possible.
- Go back to your therapist if you still have one.
- Use positive affirmations.
- Take a break and make your health your number one priority.

I hope that helps.
Jasmin x

Unseen triggers!

I don’t understand. I’ve coped really well with all of my triggers and yet I’m still struggling. I’ve not gone over the amount of exercise I agreed I’d limit myself to each day with my psychologist and I’ve had rest days. I’ll admit I could weigh myself less but I’ve not been doing it every day which is good. I’ve not been arguing with my parents. I’ve not been boredom eating, well not in a bingeing way. The food in the house hasn’t bothered me and mum and dad haven’t made any triggering comments. The only thing I can think of is my weight. Not so much that I’ve put some on because since summer started I’ve only put on a couple of pounds but more the fact that it’s not going down. I’ve tried to eat healthier but it’s gone up or stayed the same which then makes me think maybe my only option is to restrict.
Tuesday night...those usual thoughts of needing to restrict crept in. The difference being, I didn’t try to fight them. I’d had enough of fighting and I was so fed up with my body I started to agree that a fast would be a good idea. So, Wednesday morning, the fast began. I knew it was a bad idea and those challenging thoughts kept coming to my mind but I ignored them. I then decided to watch my sister’s keeper which I’d never seen before....bad idea! Apart from Tuesday night I’ve not cried in weeks. Tuesday seemed to unlock the door and watching this just made me an emotional mess. I cried throughout pretty much the whole thing. Part of this was of course because it’s a ridiculously sad film. But the main reason was because all I kept thinking about was how selfish I was and ungrateful to contemplate throwing my life away. Watching it really made me realise how lucky I was and yet here I was starving myself. I watched how it hurt her family and although it might be completely different to an eating disorder it made me think about what I would be putting my parents through if I got really ill again. So I decided to end the fast and I managed to eat. I then of course hated myself for eating after but I decided I would try to carry on being healthy. I knew it would be a struggle but a struggle would be better than relapsing. So yesterday I ate healthily and it was fine. Then today again it was all going fine until the evening. I weighed myself stupidly and panicked. I then reacted in the old way of eating. I just had some biscuits and didn’t binge but it bothered me so much that I’d eaten them in response to weighing myself. I then started to think about how I won’t eat for the weekend. My thinking is all over the place at the moment...it’s a constant battle. Looking at the positives...I’ve not binged or purged and I’ve not fasted (for a whole day anyway). I’ve skipped some meals but then talked myself into eating. I guess it’s mainly my weight that’s making it harder. I wish it would go down without me relapsing but it doesn’t seem to want to. I could exercise a bit more but I don’t want to risk it becoming excessive.
I start a new job next week which means I’ll be a little bit more active again which will probably help in a lot of ways. My weight will hopefully at least stop going up because I’ll be moving around more and I’ll have a little bit more of a routine which will keep me occupied. I’ve not seen my friends lately because of not living near them over summer but I guess the thought of seeing them and having put on weight scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I feel ashamed and it makes me want to hide away.
Anyway, that’s the update on me. I think the scales need to go away and I need to just take each day at a time. If my weight doesn’t go down I just need to accept that because surely that’s better than relapsing. I’m not giving in yet!
Love Jasmin x

This week..not easy.

I look in the mirror, and all I can see is a blob. An untoned, wobbly body of unworthiness. I am filled with shame and disgust as I look at myself, as I sit and feel my stomach roll over my trousers, as I walk and feel the insides of my legs rub together, as I moisturise and feel the handfuls of fat on me. How could I let myself get like this? Gain weight to recover..yes...let myself get to an in excusable point defined by greediness and lack of will power...no.
Every day now I hear those voices...don’t eat, it’s the only way. Think of how you could look. Think of how good you’ll feel. And all it takes is the control and power to starve. I can do that. I’ve done it before. And yet every morning I wake up with those programmed thoughts that I need to eat and to stay healthy. I know that’s the right thing to do but then I just beat myself up about it even more afterwards and the cycle of telling myself not to eat starts again. I feel like I’ve lost that power and I’m trapped in this body. Do I want to relapse? Of course not but I feel like I have no choice. I’ve tried to eat healthily. Not just for a couple of days before deciding it wasn’t working but for months and my weight hasn’t budged.
The hardest thing...I don’t even know if what I see is real. Is that really what my body looks like or is it just a distortion. I know my mind likes to do that but it’s an answer I will never know.
I hate that I’m still too afraid to wear what I want...to go swimming, to allow people to see my body. Can I eat now...yes. Do I fear food as much...no. But does it still have power over my life...yes and I can’t live in this constant war anymore. I’m so scared and confused and I don’t know what to do. This should be easy, stay focused on recovery, don’t let myself fall and yet the more I think that the more I hate myself for being too weak to lose weight.
Do I like the idea of skin and bones...no. But I can’t live with the way my body feels. And that will only go if my body goes.
I hate going out with my friends and feeling like the fat one. I hate the fact I cannot be in a relationship because the thought of someone touching my body makes me feel sick. I hate that I cannot have a relaxing bath because all I can feel is my body. But what do I hate the most about it all...the feelings I get every time I think about relapsing and then stopping to see my friends and family’s faces. The feelings I get every time I think about how good they were to me and what I’d be putting them through. I have two fears...having to live with my body like this and putting my friends and family through a relapse. I cannot escape one fear without having to face the other. I once noticed through a kind of experiment with my psychologist that if I listened to the thoughts initiated by feelings such as the above I get a feeling in my chest. The thought of those fears each make my heart feel like it’s being twisted and tied into a knot. It’s a physical pain there constantly to remind me of the fear I’ll be living with if I try to run with the other. That makes me stop in my tracks and question what I’m doing. Sometimes I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it, even if it was the wrong one. The pain can’t be any worse than living with this fight.
I think of my mum and dad and that knot is pulled 100 times tighter. It is the most unbearable pain to think of putting them through it. I know I blame them sometimes and want nothing to do with them but they’re my mum and dad and I know they don’t mean to make me feel how I do and I couldn’t forgive myself for making them worry all over again.
Am I scared of hurting myself...no. I’m scared of letting everyone else down. I’m scared of having to admit I don’t have the strength and courage I thought I did and losing those reasons to like myself because I’ve worked so hard to like myself for those things.

Fighting for Wings

I’ve fought beyond my courage, attempted to break free
I have torn you piece by piece, in search to find me.
You make me believe you’re gone, that I am in control
But you are always hiding, deep within my soul.
You wait for those days quietly, when weakness shines in me
Those days emotions blind me, your lies I cannot see.
You seize the day at once, hoping I’ll give in
You forget the back-up faith I have, that I will always win.
But now you’ve learnt my tricks, just like I learnt yours
You wait that extra moment, then grab me with your claws.
You strike when I’m at home, that place where pleasure dies
You know that I’m more willing to give in to your lies.
I try to fight against you, but you will not give up
You attack with all your evidence that skinny is a must.
My army’s getting tired, of trying to fight you
Courage, strength and faith, what more can I do.
I’ve got too much to lose, can’t you leave me be
I feel you growing stronger, I’m scared that I’ll lose me.
But I will not give up yet, I’ll fight until I’m through
I might fall down a hundred times, but rise is what I do.
Ana listen carefully, I hope you one day die
Then I’ll be free to spread my wings and learn that I can fly.

Staying Strong...

Today's entry is a letter I have just written to myself but first of all I'd like to say a bit about where I am right now in recovery. I have of course said I have recovered from my eating disorder. However I still class myself as being in recovery. I was discharged officially by my dietician 4 months ago. It was from that moment that I felt I was able to take the last step and everything seemed to just get so much easier. I had been doing quite well particularly from the beginning of this year but I see myself as being recovered since I was discharged as I have had no major problems since then. I have still been working on other things such as depression with my psychologist but I was discharged from her last week.
Physically....I am recovered. I am a healthy weight...about 20 pounds heavier than my lowest. I can sleep again, and generally my body is healthier again.
Habitually...I am recovered. I can eat better, I don't b/p anymore, I can go out for meals with friends, I can treat myself etc.
Mentally...My thinking has changed a lot throughout recovery but I think it is the aspect of recovery that takes the longest and continues to take time long after recovery. I have a happier mind and I can challenge thoughts well but it doesn't change the fact that those old eating disordered thoughts still like to try to push themselves to the front again. It is still a part of my day in terms of what I might think about. It is still there when it comes to eating etc. I have control over it but it is because of this that I still class myself as being in recovery. It is because of this that I still have difficult times despite being able to overcome them. I know there will come a time when I will have worked hard enough for this to not be the case. I believe I can get to a point where it is no longer part of my day. That may take years. Its been under 2 years since I even started recovery so to expect my life to be completely free from it I think would be a very fast recovery. I have thought this way for years so I expect it to take years to undo it but I'll get there. When it comes to a life free from my eating disorder or trying to live that way I see myself as being in the early stages so it is still a learning process.
I want to be able to use this blog to share that process with you. I have recently come home for summer which brings up a lot of triggers. The last week has been a bit harder for me. I have dealt with it well but I decided to write myself a letter because I always find it so encouraging. So I thought I'd share it with you...

Jasmin,
The way you are thinking about food and your weight right now is expected so do not feel bad about it. It is summer which brings anxiety about your body, you are at home for a couple of months which brings back old memories and feelings, you are surrounded by more scary foods, there are scales and exercise equipment around, you have long periods of unstructured time, mum and dad make you feel more on edge and stressed and you have less to keep your mind focused. This is your most triggering time since being recovered so it is going to be difficult but I know you can get through this if you just focus on each day at a time. You have not been recovered very long so no one expects you to cope with such a difficult time perfectly. You are still on a recovery journey and this is part of it. If you can get through this it will make you even stronger and next summer you can enjoy it even more because you won’t be scared of the triggers it brings anymore. You have worked incredibly hard to get to where you are, don’t forget why you did it. Don’t forget the sleepless nights, the constant panic attacks, all of the things you missed out on with your friends, how depressed and out of control you felt...is that what you want? You might feel in control now but it is a very slippery slope and before you know it, it will have a hold on your life all over again. You have so much to look forward to but relapsing will only take all of that away from you. You are finally learning to love yourself and see the positives in yourself. You’ve not been learning to do that for no reason. It’s been for times like this, to know that you are a good person and you deserve to be healthy and enjoy your life free from an eating disorder. Loving yourself is your eating disorders main enemy. It will only win if you give into its lies to lower your self-worth. But if you can love yourself you will know better than to believe its lies and you will have the power to never let your eating disorder take control again. So please Jasmin, stay positive and strong and prove to yourself, no one else, that you can take on anything your eating disorder throws at you. You are not a quitter so don’t give up now when you know that deep down all you want is to be free from it and happy.

xxx

I have also been thinking more about the purpose of this blog. My website is about helping other people by giving them recovery resources. To begin with this was just going to be more of an extra thing connected to it to keep you updated on my own recovery. However although I still plan on doing that I would like it to be about more than that. I want it to be another place to help people. Although I will continue to update my website I will also be putting things I write to help people on here. Sometimes this will be things that are already on my website so sorry for repeating myself. I am going to put a page on the website for people to ask me questions and I will then try to answer them on here. It will basically be a general place for me to post all sorts of things on recovery that I write or like, whether its my own recovery, links, advice, videos, articles etc.

Love you all
Jasmin xxx