Recently my boyfriend broke up with me. As horrible as the past 6 weeks have been, being the person I am I like to see each difficult situation as an opportunity to grow and learn something. This experience has definitely been a learning curve!
I want to share my experience with you because although its a very specific situation I think my coping techniques could be applied to many situations.
For the first 2 weeks I was....GREAT... ok bit of an exaggeration but I was ok. I knew I was likely to be upset, feel alone and beat myself up for it because I'd feel it was my fault and I must be a bad person. So first of all I acknowledged that. Then I decided to find a way of coping with that. I was nice to myself! I booked myself in for a deep tissue massage and treated myself. I let myself relax and be kind to myself instead of punishing myself with self hate.
My next technique was to surround myself by supportive people. I thought this would be hard but it was surprisingly easy... people wanted to be there for me! They wanted to spend time with me and take me out and make me feel better. This resulted in a very busy two weeks... it was great because it completely distracted me and made me feel cared about. I was surprised at how good I felt considering the situation. It also helped because a lot of these social situations involved food which made it a lot easier to eat. I didn't find that I suddenly wanted to lose weight and stop eating but naturally my appetite disappeared a lot. Situations where I kind of had to eat helped this.
After the first couple of weeks I think the whole thing hit me. I felt numb. I didn't know what to think or feel about the situation. I could feel myself secluding myself slightly more. This was a hard phase to deal with. I didn't know how I felt so I didn't know how to cope with it.
Luckily I quickly went from this phase to being very upset. I seemed fine and everyone thought I was doing such a great job of coping but I felt miserable. I just wanted to cry but I didn't want other people to know how I felt. I just wanted him to come home and started to wish time away. I started to lose enthusiasm for everything I enjoy. To deal with this I started reading a lot more. When I read I can completely escape to another world. My mind was taken away from the situation and the feelings went with it.
Next.. I got angry. I could understand why Matt had broken up with me but I had tried to contact him because he said he still wanted to be friends and he wasn't replying... this hurt the most... and still does as I still haven't had a reply! I didn't like being angry because I knew he had good intentions but then I realised I had every right to be angry and that was ok. I was able to put myself first and admit I'm worth more than this! I sent him a message telling him this and I've felt a lot better since then. Ive been going on a lot of dates which I think has been good for me (especially as it's always nice to have someone spoil you!)
Since we broke up I've constantly assessed how I feel and thought about how I could deal with those feelings instead of using food. It hasn't been easy but I'm still healthy and eating so it's worked!
Throughout the whole thing I've used my usual coping technique... writing. Such a good release!
I've kept myself surrounded by positive and supportive people and I finally feel like I'm getting to a good place. A place where at least for now I just want to be 21 and have a lot of fun... which is exactly what I'm doing!
So that's how I coped... hope it's useful in one way or another...
Love Jasmin
Showing posts with label triggers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label triggers. Show all posts
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Friday, 6 August 2010
Unseen triggers!
I don’t understand. I’ve coped really well with all of my triggers and yet I’m still struggling. I’ve not gone over the amount of exercise I agreed I’d limit myself to each day with my psychologist and I’ve had rest days. I’ll admit I could weigh myself less but I’ve not been doing it every day which is good. I’ve not been arguing with my parents. I’ve not been boredom eating, well not in a bingeing way. The food in the house hasn’t bothered me and mum and dad haven’t made any triggering comments. The only thing I can think of is my weight. Not so much that I’ve put some on because since summer started I’ve only put on a couple of pounds but more the fact that it’s not going down. I’ve tried to eat healthier but it’s gone up or stayed the same which then makes me think maybe my only option is to restrict.
Tuesday night...those usual thoughts of needing to restrict crept in. The difference being, I didn’t try to fight them. I’d had enough of fighting and I was so fed up with my body I started to agree that a fast would be a good idea. So, Wednesday morning, the fast began. I knew it was a bad idea and those challenging thoughts kept coming to my mind but I ignored them. I then decided to watch my sister’s keeper which I’d never seen before....bad idea! Apart from Tuesday night I’ve not cried in weeks. Tuesday seemed to unlock the door and watching this just made me an emotional mess. I cried throughout pretty much the whole thing. Part of this was of course because it’s a ridiculously sad film. But the main reason was because all I kept thinking about was how selfish I was and ungrateful to contemplate throwing my life away. Watching it really made me realise how lucky I was and yet here I was starving myself. I watched how it hurt her family and although it might be completely different to an eating disorder it made me think about what I would be putting my parents through if I got really ill again. So I decided to end the fast and I managed to eat. I then of course hated myself for eating after but I decided I would try to carry on being healthy. I knew it would be a struggle but a struggle would be better than relapsing. So yesterday I ate healthily and it was fine. Then today again it was all going fine until the evening. I weighed myself stupidly and panicked. I then reacted in the old way of eating. I just had some biscuits and didn’t binge but it bothered me so much that I’d eaten them in response to weighing myself. I then started to think about how I won’t eat for the weekend. My thinking is all over the place at the moment...it’s a constant battle. Looking at the positives...I’ve not binged or purged and I’ve not fasted (for a whole day anyway). I’ve skipped some meals but then talked myself into eating. I guess it’s mainly my weight that’s making it harder. I wish it would go down without me relapsing but it doesn’t seem to want to. I could exercise a bit more but I don’t want to risk it becoming excessive.
I start a new job next week which means I’ll be a little bit more active again which will probably help in a lot of ways. My weight will hopefully at least stop going up because I’ll be moving around more and I’ll have a little bit more of a routine which will keep me occupied. I’ve not seen my friends lately because of not living near them over summer but I guess the thought of seeing them and having put on weight scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I feel ashamed and it makes me want to hide away.
Anyway, that’s the update on me. I think the scales need to go away and I need to just take each day at a time. If my weight doesn’t go down I just need to accept that because surely that’s better than relapsing. I’m not giving in yet!
Love Jasmin x
Tuesday night...those usual thoughts of needing to restrict crept in. The difference being, I didn’t try to fight them. I’d had enough of fighting and I was so fed up with my body I started to agree that a fast would be a good idea. So, Wednesday morning, the fast began. I knew it was a bad idea and those challenging thoughts kept coming to my mind but I ignored them. I then decided to watch my sister’s keeper which I’d never seen before....bad idea! Apart from Tuesday night I’ve not cried in weeks. Tuesday seemed to unlock the door and watching this just made me an emotional mess. I cried throughout pretty much the whole thing. Part of this was of course because it’s a ridiculously sad film. But the main reason was because all I kept thinking about was how selfish I was and ungrateful to contemplate throwing my life away. Watching it really made me realise how lucky I was and yet here I was starving myself. I watched how it hurt her family and although it might be completely different to an eating disorder it made me think about what I would be putting my parents through if I got really ill again. So I decided to end the fast and I managed to eat. I then of course hated myself for eating after but I decided I would try to carry on being healthy. I knew it would be a struggle but a struggle would be better than relapsing. So yesterday I ate healthily and it was fine. Then today again it was all going fine until the evening. I weighed myself stupidly and panicked. I then reacted in the old way of eating. I just had some biscuits and didn’t binge but it bothered me so much that I’d eaten them in response to weighing myself. I then started to think about how I won’t eat for the weekend. My thinking is all over the place at the moment...it’s a constant battle. Looking at the positives...I’ve not binged or purged and I’ve not fasted (for a whole day anyway). I’ve skipped some meals but then talked myself into eating. I guess it’s mainly my weight that’s making it harder. I wish it would go down without me relapsing but it doesn’t seem to want to. I could exercise a bit more but I don’t want to risk it becoming excessive.
I start a new job next week which means I’ll be a little bit more active again which will probably help in a lot of ways. My weight will hopefully at least stop going up because I’ll be moving around more and I’ll have a little bit more of a routine which will keep me occupied. I’ve not seen my friends lately because of not living near them over summer but I guess the thought of seeing them and having put on weight scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I feel ashamed and it makes me want to hide away.
Anyway, that’s the update on me. I think the scales need to go away and I need to just take each day at a time. If my weight doesn’t go down I just need to accept that because surely that’s better than relapsing. I’m not giving in yet!
Love Jasmin x
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Staying Strong...
Today's entry is a letter I have just written to myself but first of all I'd like to say a bit about where I am right now in recovery. I have of course said I have recovered from my eating disorder. However I still class myself as being in recovery. I was discharged officially by my dietician 4 months ago. It was from that moment that I felt I was able to take the last step and everything seemed to just get so much easier. I had been doing quite well particularly from the beginning of this year but I see myself as being recovered since I was discharged as I have had no major problems since then. I have still been working on other things such as depression with my psychologist but I was discharged from her last week.
Physically....I am recovered. I am a healthy weight...about 20 pounds heavier than my lowest. I can sleep again, and generally my body is healthier again.
Habitually...I am recovered. I can eat better, I don't b/p anymore, I can go out for meals with friends, I can treat myself etc.
Mentally...My thinking has changed a lot throughout recovery but I think it is the aspect of recovery that takes the longest and continues to take time long after recovery. I have a happier mind and I can challenge thoughts well but it doesn't change the fact that those old eating disordered thoughts still like to try to push themselves to the front again. It is still a part of my day in terms of what I might think about. It is still there when it comes to eating etc. I have control over it but it is because of this that I still class myself as being in recovery. It is because of this that I still have difficult times despite being able to overcome them. I know there will come a time when I will have worked hard enough for this to not be the case. I believe I can get to a point where it is no longer part of my day. That may take years. Its been under 2 years since I even started recovery so to expect my life to be completely free from it I think would be a very fast recovery. I have thought this way for years so I expect it to take years to undo it but I'll get there. When it comes to a life free from my eating disorder or trying to live that way I see myself as being in the early stages so it is still a learning process.
I want to be able to use this blog to share that process with you. I have recently come home for summer which brings up a lot of triggers. The last week has been a bit harder for me. I have dealt with it well but I decided to write myself a letter because I always find it so encouraging. So I thought I'd share it with you...
Jasmin,
The way you are thinking about food and your weight right now is expected so do not feel bad about it. It is summer which brings anxiety about your body, you are at home for a couple of months which brings back old memories and feelings, you are surrounded by more scary foods, there are scales and exercise equipment around, you have long periods of unstructured time, mum and dad make you feel more on edge and stressed and you have less to keep your mind focused. This is your most triggering time since being recovered so it is going to be difficult but I know you can get through this if you just focus on each day at a time. You have not been recovered very long so no one expects you to cope with such a difficult time perfectly. You are still on a recovery journey and this is part of it. If you can get through this it will make you even stronger and next summer you can enjoy it even more because you won’t be scared of the triggers it brings anymore. You have worked incredibly hard to get to where you are, don’t forget why you did it. Don’t forget the sleepless nights, the constant panic attacks, all of the things you missed out on with your friends, how depressed and out of control you felt...is that what you want? You might feel in control now but it is a very slippery slope and before you know it, it will have a hold on your life all over again. You have so much to look forward to but relapsing will only take all of that away from you. You are finally learning to love yourself and see the positives in yourself. You’ve not been learning to do that for no reason. It’s been for times like this, to know that you are a good person and you deserve to be healthy and enjoy your life free from an eating disorder. Loving yourself is your eating disorders main enemy. It will only win if you give into its lies to lower your self-worth. But if you can love yourself you will know better than to believe its lies and you will have the power to never let your eating disorder take control again. So please Jasmin, stay positive and strong and prove to yourself, no one else, that you can take on anything your eating disorder throws at you. You are not a quitter so don’t give up now when you know that deep down all you want is to be free from it and happy.
xxx
I have also been thinking more about the purpose of this blog. My website is about helping other people by giving them recovery resources. To begin with this was just going to be more of an extra thing connected to it to keep you updated on my own recovery. However although I still plan on doing that I would like it to be about more than that. I want it to be another place to help people. Although I will continue to update my website I will also be putting things I write to help people on here. Sometimes this will be things that are already on my website so sorry for repeating myself. I am going to put a page on the website for people to ask me questions and I will then try to answer them on here. It will basically be a general place for me to post all sorts of things on recovery that I write or like, whether its my own recovery, links, advice, videos, articles etc.
Love you all
Jasmin xxx
Physically....I am recovered. I am a healthy weight...about 20 pounds heavier than my lowest. I can sleep again, and generally my body is healthier again.
Habitually...I am recovered. I can eat better, I don't b/p anymore, I can go out for meals with friends, I can treat myself etc.
Mentally...My thinking has changed a lot throughout recovery but I think it is the aspect of recovery that takes the longest and continues to take time long after recovery. I have a happier mind and I can challenge thoughts well but it doesn't change the fact that those old eating disordered thoughts still like to try to push themselves to the front again. It is still a part of my day in terms of what I might think about. It is still there when it comes to eating etc. I have control over it but it is because of this that I still class myself as being in recovery. It is because of this that I still have difficult times despite being able to overcome them. I know there will come a time when I will have worked hard enough for this to not be the case. I believe I can get to a point where it is no longer part of my day. That may take years. Its been under 2 years since I even started recovery so to expect my life to be completely free from it I think would be a very fast recovery. I have thought this way for years so I expect it to take years to undo it but I'll get there. When it comes to a life free from my eating disorder or trying to live that way I see myself as being in the early stages so it is still a learning process.
I want to be able to use this blog to share that process with you. I have recently come home for summer which brings up a lot of triggers. The last week has been a bit harder for me. I have dealt with it well but I decided to write myself a letter because I always find it so encouraging. So I thought I'd share it with you...
Jasmin,
The way you are thinking about food and your weight right now is expected so do not feel bad about it. It is summer which brings anxiety about your body, you are at home for a couple of months which brings back old memories and feelings, you are surrounded by more scary foods, there are scales and exercise equipment around, you have long periods of unstructured time, mum and dad make you feel more on edge and stressed and you have less to keep your mind focused. This is your most triggering time since being recovered so it is going to be difficult but I know you can get through this if you just focus on each day at a time. You have not been recovered very long so no one expects you to cope with such a difficult time perfectly. You are still on a recovery journey and this is part of it. If you can get through this it will make you even stronger and next summer you can enjoy it even more because you won’t be scared of the triggers it brings anymore. You have worked incredibly hard to get to where you are, don’t forget why you did it. Don’t forget the sleepless nights, the constant panic attacks, all of the things you missed out on with your friends, how depressed and out of control you felt...is that what you want? You might feel in control now but it is a very slippery slope and before you know it, it will have a hold on your life all over again. You have so much to look forward to but relapsing will only take all of that away from you. You are finally learning to love yourself and see the positives in yourself. You’ve not been learning to do that for no reason. It’s been for times like this, to know that you are a good person and you deserve to be healthy and enjoy your life free from an eating disorder. Loving yourself is your eating disorders main enemy. It will only win if you give into its lies to lower your self-worth. But if you can love yourself you will know better than to believe its lies and you will have the power to never let your eating disorder take control again. So please Jasmin, stay positive and strong and prove to yourself, no one else, that you can take on anything your eating disorder throws at you. You are not a quitter so don’t give up now when you know that deep down all you want is to be free from it and happy.
xxx
I have also been thinking more about the purpose of this blog. My website is about helping other people by giving them recovery resources. To begin with this was just going to be more of an extra thing connected to it to keep you updated on my own recovery. However although I still plan on doing that I would like it to be about more than that. I want it to be another place to help people. Although I will continue to update my website I will also be putting things I write to help people on here. Sometimes this will be things that are already on my website so sorry for repeating myself. I am going to put a page on the website for people to ask me questions and I will then try to answer them on here. It will basically be a general place for me to post all sorts of things on recovery that I write or like, whether its my own recovery, links, advice, videos, articles etc.
Love you all
Jasmin xxx
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