Hey Everyone!

Sorry it's been so long since I've been on here. Just to remind everyone... Eating Disorder Awareness Week starts tomorrow!

Love Jasmin

Food Phobias!

I recently got asked a question on how to overcome the fear of 'bad' foods. I remember the endless arguments with my therapists when they told me I just had to do things and I felt like they didn't understand because it was a phobia and I just couldn't. I feel hypocritical saying it but after years of learning to face 'bad' foods the best thing you can do....is just eat it. I know that's not what you want to hear and you might be thinking...but I CAN'T. But truthfully and I'm sure deep down you know this, the only thing stopping you is your fear. Here is a few tips to help you break your phobia.....

- Start with slightly scary foods and gradually move on to scarier foods
- Take it slowly, start off with just a bite of certain foods every now and then
- Remember: 'THERE ARE NO GOOD AND BAD FOODS, ONLY GOOD AND BAD DIETS'
- Ask yourself what makes that food bad and why your scared of it....is there 100% proof behind your thoughts?
- Set yourself small targets like trying one scary food a week
- Have a distraction planned for afterwards to take your mind off it
- Reward yourself for facing your fear
- Do research on the food to find positives about it

Honestly....facing scary foods is one of the hardest parts of recovery...Before eating certain foods I would feel scared, anxious, sick, worried and afterwards I would cry and cry and cry. But gradually I started to see that those foods weren't having the affect I always thought they would....they didn't suddenly make me gain weight and I very gradually started to overcome my phobia.

Remember it's not impossible, it just takes a lot of strength, courage and desire to recover. If I can do it, so can you.
If anyone ever wants to ask me a question or needs some support feel free to email me at jas_1211@hotmail.com

xxx

People like to talk about food and eating...that's life. But there's still that part of me underneath that thrives on it. Part of me hates it because I've worked so hard to gain the views I now have on food but part of me loves it because it's justification for those old eating disordered thoughts.
What I believe now, whether it's true or false helps me to stay healthy and feel safe around food. It helps me to block out the eating disorder. But as soon as someone starts talking about food and dieting it's like the eating disorder wakes up. I try to argue against people as a way to prevent those eating disordered thoughts making their way into my subconscious but it's a struggle. People don't always understand and might think I'm annoyed with them when really I'm just annoyed with the situation because it creates such a difficult battle in my head.
It's like the eating disorder grabs on to what that person is saying in an attempt to make its way back in. I go off into my own little world where I'm trying to reassure myself that my way of thinking now is healthy and I don't have to let anyone influence that while the eating disorder pokes at me to hold onto those negative thoughts so that it can get its own way by persuading me to give into it.
Sometimes there may be a lot of truth in what is being said...but while a simple statement might be a small healthy belief in that person's life, for someone who has had an eating disorder it has the potential to grow into a self destructive belief system that destroys them as a person when the eating disorder takes over.
Talking brings back memories. Once again the eating disorder loves it and pulls on them until I give in to the positives of that memory, of course it will never allow me to focus on the bad when it's trying to persuade me. It's proud of those memories of fasting and weight loss and I feel that part of me take over when I can't help pointing out those "successes" to others. That's not the kind of person I want to be, I'm not proud of hurting myself. Those memories are a part of my past to remind me why I chose to recover and have the life I have now, not to point out to other people how good I was able to starve myself...it is not a talent or achievement!
This might be a challenge I face now. But gradually I hope to develop the resilience I need in these situations to block out the negative thoughts. It will be difficult but it will make me stronger!

Love Jasmin x

The benefits of an eating disorder...

I know what you're thinking....there are benefits? Yes and I'm not talking about losing weight because remember weight loss caused by our eating disorder is NOT an achievement even if it feels that way at the time. And I'm not just talking about the benefits of recovering. I'm talking about the benefits of the whole experience, the benefits we gain from the battle, the benefits we gain in growing as people because of our eating disorder.

When you get to a point where you are sick of the eating disorder and are ready to recover it is easy to look at the eating disorder and see all the negatives and hate it for what it does to you. That's good because you are seeing the eating disorder for what it really is and it drives you to recover. But there comes a point when being so angry about having an eating disorder and hating yourself for it can have the opposite affect. You might have even recovered already but looking back with regret and sadness at that experience isn't going to change what happened and is only going to affect your happiness that you deserve now that you're free.
If you had a choice would you like to look back on your life with regret and anger, wishing that things had been different or would you like to look back with acceptance and happiness because everything you have been through has lead you to be who you are today (hopefully that's a recovered and happy person). It doesn't matter what we've been through in our lives, we all deserve to be happy and accept our lives as they are because no amount of worrying, regretting, or anger is going to change the past. But we can change how we feel about the past if we look at our experience in a new light.

So we have had/have an eating disorder, we can't change that. But as it's eating disorder awareness week I thought it would be the best time to try to look at our eating disorder from a new light and appreciate the person it has helped to make us today...

- Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that every situation we face no matter how good or bad, happens to help us learn something new or change the course of our life in a positive way if we are able to see the opportunity or to meet new people who in turn affect our life. We might not see it straight away but there really is something to gain through everything we experience.
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations."

- We discover ourselves. Recovery from an eating disorder takes a lot of soul searching. You learn to dig beneath the ed and find out who you really are. Most people go through day to day life never really questioning themselves or as silly as it may sound getting to know themselves. They don't have a reason to. But we get that chance and we come through the other side being a lot more in touch with ourselves. When you understand yourself as a person I find it makes life more rewarding. I feel more like an individual and like a worthwhile person because I can see what makes me, me. I think for me the most important thing I learnt about myself or learnt to use from within myself is my spirituality. I'd definitely call myself a spiritual person which I never did before. Having that spirituality has made me a much happier person and I doubt I would have discovered it or realized it's potential if it wasn't for my eating disorder.

- We learn to love and respect ourselves. For most of us our low self esteem probably played a big part in our eating disorder. Of course many people without eating disorders and low self esteem often have a higher sense of love and respect for themselves than we start off with but do they stop to question it or appreciate the skill of loving and respecting themselves. Do they question if they could love themselves more? Be nicer to themselves? Or see it as a priority? We learn the importance of these skills and it is such a good feeling when you reach that point where you can accept yourself and feel good about yourself. We learn the techniques to increase our self acceptance more and more giving us the potential to have such good self esteem if we allow ourselves to.

- We become stronger. All I want to do to elaborate on this is share some quotes with you which I really think emphasis the strength we are able to gain through suffering.
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
"In the midst of winter, I found there was within me, an invincible summer."
"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."

- We learn to manage our emotions and understand them. We have the opportunity to become emotionally healthy people who not only stop using food to deal with emotions but learn the healthiest way to deal with them. When we understand our emotions and why we feel the way we do they become easier to deal with. Now we understand them we are prepared for life. Of course they will affect us but we have the potential to be in a place where we can deal with them in the best possible way.

- We are able to appreciate other people's problems and understand other people better. When you learn so much about the connection between thoughts, feelings, behavior and life experiences you begin to have a lot more sympathy for people. I find I am now a lot less judgmental about people because you never know what is going on in someone's life. You are able to understand the layers there are to people and see beyond the exterior.

- We are able to appreciate life. When you've been through hell and back the freedom of recovery feels amazing. You are able to appreciate every breath of fresh air, every moment of happiness, every bit of energy you have, every moment of enjoyment, every thing that makes you smile. You are thankful for getting through to the other side to such a beautiful new world and you are ready to embrace it and love every moment of life.

So if I could go back and change my experience, would I? Probably not. It has made me who I am today and that is a much stronger and happier person. It has taught me to see life in a new way and understand life and myself in a new way. Recovery has provided me with skills for life not just connected to beating my eating disorder but in continuing to be a happy, healthy person. So I won't look back at my eating disorder with regret but with relief and a sense of achievement because I got through it and it has given me so much to be thankful for.

Eating Disorder Awareness Week...

Heyyy everyone...

So, today is the start of eating disorder awareness week and luckily half term for me (yay!) so I will try to write a new post everyday this week.

I just wanted to tell you all about New Looks new Beat watches. As you know I am a Beat young ambassador and this Saturday I went to New Look with some other people from Beat to kind of launch the watches and have some photos taken to start promoting them. They are £2 and the money goes towards Beat so if you haven't already...go and buy one!

I have lots of things planned for my blog this week including a guest blog but for today I'd just like to share a recovery analogy with you from the book 'The Rules of Normal Eating'....

Why is change so slow?
"Picture a hill of damp sand with a marble on top. If you give the marble a nudge in one direction, it will roll down the hill, forming a slight groove in the sand. Each time the marble gets nudged in the same direction, it will slide into the groove, and plunge downward.
Now suppose you decide that you want the marble to roll down the other side of the sand hill. You'll have to place the marble on top of the hill and push it in the other direction because if you don't, it will slip automatically into its old groove. If you push it only once or twice in the new direction, its inclination will still be to return to return to its old groove. So initially, you'll need to push the marble in the new direction over and over until a new groove is carved out. Eventually when your old groove and the new groove are about even, the marble will have the potential to roll either way. To ensure that it will always go in the new direction, you'll have to keep gently nudging it until the old groove fills up with sand and the new groove is deeply carved. Then the marble will naturally fall into the new groove every time.
Translating this marble analogy into behavioral terms, we have to repeat a new behavior more often than an old behavior in order to have the new one become a habit and the old one disappear. Behaviorists call this process conditioning because it conditions or prompts us to behave in certain ways. Of course most people are not linear learners and don't go straight from point A to point B. We try a new way, revert back to the old way for a while, then tentatively try the new way again. We're inconsistent, then we wonder why we're not changing quickly enough, after all our hard work.
Think back to the marble on the sand hill. What would happen if sometimes you pushed it one way and sometimes you pushed it the other? The old and new grooves would stay about even right? That's what happens when you try a new behavior or way of thinking, then return to the old action or thought. For example, if food makes you anxious, you try pushing yourself to eat when you're moderately hungry. Succeeding you feel proud of overcoming your fear. But the next time you feel hunger pangs, you ignore them and put off eating until you are nearly sick. Or you triumphantly pass by the jar of chocolate kisses on your worker's desk one day, only to find yourself sneaking a handful the next. Alternating like this for days, weeks, months, or even years causes you to feel as if you never change even though you're doing things right a good deal of the time. You prevent yourself from changing by reinforcing both the new and the old, achieving a behavioral draw.
Returning to the marble analogy, we could say that every time you revert to an old behavior, you're deepening the first groove,while every time you push yourself to practice a new behavior, you're not only carving the second groove more deeply, but you're allowing sand to erase the first one. Similarly, if you continue to press onward with a new behavior, the neural pathway in your brain that elicited the old behavior will eventually fade away."

Hope you're all ok
Love Jasmin

Take a day off from your ed!

Merry Christmas!! Hope you all have a good day and get lots of nice things :)
If you're anything like I have been in the past then I'm sure all you want for christmas is to be free of your eating disorder. Santa might not be able to magically give us that but that doesn't mean it has to ruin our day.

Take a day off from it! That might be easier said than done but it can be done!
Of coure this comes with consequences after today such as possible excessive exercise, restriction etc to make up for it but if it means you enjoy time with your family and friends for one day then thats the most important thing.
If you're a restrictive eater then I'm not saying stuff your face but allow yourself to enjoy the foods you want to eat (if you're family know then its probably the best present you can give them, to let them see you eat and enjoy christmas dinner).
If you end up binging which I know is a risk on christmas day don't beat yourself up about it. Half the world end up binging on christmas day!! You won't suddenly become obese so don't panic and let it ruin your day.
If you're a purger then try your best to put it off for today because you know it will just put a downer on your day when you could be having fun with your family.

When you think about it christmas dinner isn't the scariest of meals...you can fill your plate with vegetables, and turkey is one of the lowest fat/calorie meats you can eat.

If you're really worried about eating too much then maybe try to have a plan in your mind for the day. Are you going to eat when you want to or stick to a more structured plan of breakfast, lunch, dinner?
Distract yourself! Keep yourself busy. I'm currently doing just that by writing this...I've had breakfast, opened presents :) and now I'm distracting myself before lunch.
Focus on having fun and stop worrying about what might or might not happen. You deserve to have fun and enjoy today as much as everyone else and food does not have the power to change that!

Stay strong, it's just one day!
Love Jasmin

Christmas exercise programme!

First of all I just realised that I had already done a post on the rules of normal eating so sorry if you read it twice.

Moving on, it's nearly christmas...wooo! I LOVE christmas.
Of course christmas can raise a lot of issues when it comes to food, family etc. For me food has never been the main issue at christmas. For some reason the last couple of years no matter how bad my eating has been leading up to christmas (which is usually bad because october to december for some reason seem to be the months I struggle most)I always seem to relax about food a bit more as soon as its christmas. I'll admit this has sometimes lead to a panic after christmas because of wanting to lose weight but the main thing is I refuse to let food ruin my favourite time of year.
I think part of why it becomes less of an issue is because I tell myself I'm not going to worry. I wish I could do that all year round! I'm off from college so I don't worry about having to wear a leotard for a while. I know that if I try to control food it is going to ruin my christmas as well as my families and with so much food being around I am more likely to binge and purge rather than restrict which could possibly cause weight gain anyway. If I actually allow myself to eat what I want I am less likely to binge and won't actually want to eat all the time. Of course I still have issues over christmas and my relationship with food doesn't miraculously fix itself for a month but I seem to focus less on losing weight and more on relaxing and getting through christmas without constantly worrying about my ED.

However, one issue I do have over christmas is exercise....
As a dance student I'm used to exercising a lot. So of course I want to exercise over christmas still because I need to keep my fitness up. But then there's the fact that it's easier to not worry about food if I'm exercising. Over exercising is never a problem for me except for christmas so this year I decided I should prepare myself for this problem in advance and I thought it might help some of you to.
I'm going to make an exercise timetable. I'm going to decide what type of exercise I'm going to do on what days and how long for and make sure I give myself rest days.
Hopefully I'll be able to stick to this and not get obsessed.

Hope you're all ok and not worrying too much about christmas
Love Jasmin

The Rules of "Normal Eating"

The Rules of "Normal Eating" is a book written by Karen R.Koenig. I bought it yesterday and already love it.

We go into recovery hoping to come out the other end with somewhat "normal" eating habits. At least that's what I wanted. But what is "normal"? Normal is different for everyone but here are some of the rules in the book. Normal eaters:

- Eat when they are hungry or have a craving
- Choose foods they believe will satisfy them
- Stay connected to their bodies and eat with awareness and enjoyment
- Stop eating when they are full or satisfied

Something she wrote which I particularly liked is the following:

"I think of myself as a "normal" eater about 90-95 percent of the time. Because of my dysfunctional relationship with food for three-plus decade, I accept that I might never eat like someone who never had an eating problem. And that's fine with me. I'm like a person who has learned a second language and speaks it fluently but with a slight accent, or someone who has been injured and walks with a barely perceptable limp. I don't expect to be perfect."

I believe that full recovery is possible. However I don't think this means your relationship with food has to be perfect. It is important to expect this and don't beat yourself up for any residual habits or thoughts you might have after recovery.

Hope you're all ok.
Jasmin x

Finding the positives...

When in recovery it can feel like you are constantly taking 1 step forward, 2 steps backwards. You may find that all you can see are the negatives, the "failures", the bad days, the new things/fears you try to face but don't succeed at straight away.

This can be known as a way of thinking called discounting the positives. I particularly struggled with this type of thinking. No matter how well I was doing or how much progress I was making all I could see were the things I wasn't achieving or the negatives. Thinking this way can make you feel low and depressed which may hold you back. It can make you feel like giving up. The truth is, the positives are there, you're just choosing not to see them.

Here are a few ideas for learning to focus on the positives:

- Start a gratitude book: At the end of every day write down all the positive things you can remember, it can be both eating disorder related (trying a new food) and non related such as a hug from a friend. You'll start to see there are lots of things every day that are positive and to be grateful and happy for.

-Sticker poster: I particularly like this one. Draw a picture of your eating disorder...however you want it to look, a person, a colour, a symbol, anything. Maybe write words over it that you associate with your eating disorder such as feelings it causes. Put it on your wall or somewhere you can see it. Everytime you overcome an eating disorder rule or do something positive to fight your eating disorder, put a sticker over the picture. Gradually as you add more stickers your eating disorder will be covered by all the stickers/positive steps you've taken forwards. When you feel like you're 'failing' you can look at it and see how far you've come and how many times you've managed to fight it.

-Write a list of all the reasons you have to be happy. Even if you feel like you don't have any keep thinking and I'm sure you'll find some you just have to allow yourself to see them. Do you have good friends? A nice house? A job you like?

See the positives, feel happier, and you're eating disorder will lose a bit more power and you are taking another step towards your rainbow.

Love Jasmin x

How to stop a lapse becoming a relapse...

First of all I'd just like to share with you that on Saturday I have my beat ambassador training day so as of then I shall be a beat ambassador :D

So, for me I have always felt prepared to prevent lapses and relapses from happening. I know my triggers and so when I am faced with them I know that I am vulnerable to my eating disorder at those times and can fight to prevent a lapse starting. I hope it is similar for you and that you are able to identify your triggers because it's so important in being able to fight your ed. But what if you do relapse? What if you can't prevent it? What do you do then?

Lapses are a normal part of the recovery process. Sometimes we can fight with every bit of energy we have but they can come from nowhere. That was the case with my lapse. I was the happiest I've ever been and it happened so suddenly I had no idea what caused it. I was prepared to prevent one but when it happened I had no idea what to do next. A lapse can be stopped and it doesn't need to become a relapse. But to do that it is a good idea to have a plan incase you are struggling to regain control. Here is some idea's that I learnt from my experience but there are lots of other things that you may find help you.

- First try to identify the cause. If it isn't obvious then perhaps try to write a list of all the possible causes. Then challenge them. By this I mean, what would be the best way to deal with that problem instead of using the eating disorder.
- Make sure you have support, talk to your friends and family.
- Talk to someone other than friends and family. Perhaps a teacher or your therapist if you have one. As great as my friends and family are I often feel guilty for letting everything out to them and I dont want to worry them. But by talking to someone with less emotional connections I feel I can talk more openly without the guilt and it gives me a greater sense of relief.
- At a moment when you are thinking more rationally try to write a food plan that you could try to stick to.
- Gain support from help lines or recovery forums such as the beat messageboards.
- Use distractions
- Surround yourself with people that make you happy.
- Make sure there's food in the house you feel comfortable around but also enjoy - foods that you will be tempted to eat but hopefully won't trigger a binge or make you too guilty.
- Be gentle with yourself. Lapses are normal so don't beat yourself up as it may only make things worse.
- Take precautions - go to the doctor, warn friends and family.
- Remind yourself of reasons to be recovered.
- Spring clean your life - Do you need to catch up on sleep, have some leisure time, catch up on work, de-stress?
- Take each day at a time.
- Do recovery activities.
- Put yourself back in 'recovery' mode as much as possible.
- Go back to your therapist if you still have one.
- Use positive affirmations.
- Take a break and make your health your number one priority.

I hope that helps.
Jasmin x

Pot of Gold...

Here's a poem I'd like to share with you of mine...It's still a bit of a work in progress in a few places but its what came to mind.

I sigh in relief as each moon arrives
I got through the day, I fought and survived.
Counting each day that God's by my side
I did it again, her rules I defied.
The whispers are there, they persist I obey
But courage defends me and shows me the way.
Fear becomes present as I wake to each day
My strength grows inside me as her essence decays.
At times I may worry that one day she'll win
But the power is mine to not let her in.
I was taught as a child that good destroys sin
All I need is the hope that tomorrow will bring.
It may possess sadness, panic or stress
But I've got the tools to sort any mess.
Freedom, happiness, joy and success
They're all within reach if her voice will shout less.
My faith is on going in the power I hold
I accept myself wholly, I will not fit her mould.
Life feels too good when I'm free from her hold
I've fought for this rainbow and I'm keeping my gold.

Love Jasmin xxx

6 months!

Hi, this is just a quick one as it's late and I need to sleeeeep!

I just wanted to share with you all that today, well yesterday I guess as it's now 12.30, made it 6 months since I was officially discharged. And Tuesday was 6 months since I last purged or have had any problems. I had hoped to achieve 3 at least after I was discharged so I am very happy to have got to 6 rather smoothly I'd like to think. Of course there have been ups and downs but it has all been manageable and I have not let myself lapse.

I wanted to make this post a more important one but I've been too busy so I'll try to do one at the weekend.

I hope this proves to you that recovery is possible and fills you with hope.
Stay strong.

Love Jasmin xxxx

Let's build a current...

"Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centres of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." (Robert Kennedy - 1966)

Together we can not only beat eating disorders but the stigma attached to them by the media. We can change the world's view on them and those suffering will no longer need to feel alienated and scared because the world will be on our side and the battle can be approached not with uncertainty and reservation but with the pride and strength needed to win against this disease.

Keep fighting xxxx

Make your life what you want it to be

I have just been watching a video on a recovery blog and I really liked something she said...

"Recovered to me means that you are living the way you want to live and it doesn’t take an extreme amount of effort to do so."

Right now I feel like my life has got to a point where at this moment in time I am living the way I want to live. I love my uni, my job, my friends, I have become a lot more independent, now I have a job I have a bit more money to be able to spend some on myself, I have just moved into a great new flat in an area I love, family life isn't too bad, I'm not depressed anymore, eating is going well, and as much as my body isn't exactly how I want it, I can live with it without hating myself.

If your life isn't how you want it, ask yourself how you want it to be? What do you need in your life right now and what would make you happy. Of course we'd all like to be millionaires or be famous but think realistically about how your life could be if you took the right steps forward.
After answering this think about how you could achieve some of those things. If you would like a job, start looking. If you would like new friends go out and meet people. If you would like to do something new but don't have the qualifications do a course in whatever it is you think will make you happier.
I believe that if you start to focus on improving other areas of your life and make it the way you want it then recovery will become easier. You will be happier which will cause you to depend less on your eating disorder to give you control. Start to take control of your life in other ways.

You might be thinking that this is easier said than done and how can you make your life the way you want it to be? Start thinking positively. A few months ago my life was no where near where I wanted it to be. But I decided to change how I thought. I started to do different exercises and read books to improve positive thinking. Since then my life has somehow, miraculously improved in so many areas. I will do a post soon on positive thinking to help you with this.

Don't wait for further recovery to start making your life the way you want it. Start doing it now and recovery will follow.

Hope everyone is well, stay strong.
Love Jasmin xxx

Festival Goers

Heyyy, Sorry it's taken me so long to write a new post...
At the end of August I went to reading festival which was an amazing weekend. It really allowed me to feel so happy about recovery because 2 years a go I would never have been able to go and even a little while a go I would have really struggled so it was good to see how far I've come. The festival season is basically over but I thought I'd share some tips with you anyway incase you need them.
1. It is not impossible to eat healthily - I took a stove so that I was able to make things such as soup, you could even boil vegetables. There were also a lot of places selling some helthier options.
2. Take food - there are lots of foods you can take that will last for long periods of time such as apples, tinned fruit, other tinned foods, I even found smoothies that don't need to be kept cold.
3. Make a plan - I made a rough plan of what I would eat each day so that I never had to worry about what I would eat next and it made me feel really in control.
4. Find a local shop - You might have to walk a bit but at Reading there was a Tesco's round the corner so I was able to buy fresh food if I wanted it.
5. Remember you are walking A LOT and need eenrgy - You will be burning a lot of calories from walking, dancing etc so don't panic about not exercising. You will be staying up late etc and need a certain amount of food to keep you going.
6. Treat yourself - It is ok to treat yourself! If you don't allow yourself then you will crave those foods more and it will make the experience harder. You won't feel like you are missing out and if you can manage it then you can feel proud of yourself for doing it. I told myself that on the last day I would eat a burger for the first time in years and I felt so happy that I did it.
7. Enjoy socializing - Use it as a distraction and try not to focus so much on the food. I know that's easier said than done but keep busy and make the most of the experience. Meet new people and have fun!
I hope they help if you're thinking about going to a festival.
Since then I've moved into my new flat which is going well and I've gone back to uni. Things with food are going really well now that I'm back into a routine and it looks like it will hopefully stay that way for a while.
I hope you are all ok
Love Jasmin

p.s. I've been too busy to finish the website yet but will do when I can!

Anti Ana Action Plan!

Ok...on a more positive note...the past few days have gone a lot better. I came up with a new plan of action in an attempt to put an end to those restrictive obsessive thoughts trying to make their way in again and it seems to be working!
When I saw my dietician I had to write down everything I ate in a booklet each week which I then gave to him to keep. However, I have 3 of them which he let me keep. During those 3 weeks I was still following the diet plan he had given me so I know that most of the meals on it fit in with it. I also remember losing a few pounds during those 3 weeks but slowly so I know it was lost healthily. So I have decided to try to follow those food diaries for the next 3 weeks. That way I should lose a few of the extra pounds I've put on and I'm not so scared about what I'm eating. Knowing there's no reason for me to put on more weight as long as I follow it has stopped a lot of the restrictive thoughts. And I'm not worrying so much about relapsing because I know it's not too restrictive. I'll admit there are a few meals on it that are less than what I should have but I'll try to make sure I add things to those meals.
I've also stopped to look at the positives of the last few weeks and realised that despite the struggle I have made progress. This is the longest I've spent at home without a relapse. It's also the longest I've spent at home without starting to over exercise. I've started adding milk to things such as coffee which I've not done in years and I've even made my porridge with milk instead of water for the first time ever yesterday. It was actually so much better so I did it again today. I also thought about how even though those restrictive thoughts started, not only did I not want to give in but I also felt like I couldn't, I wanted to eat. This time last year if I wanted to restrict I couldn't even force myself to eat let alone want to eat so thats made me realise how far I've come.
Sometimes we are faced with difficulties to allow us to prove our strength. Without this struggle I'd never know if I was strong enough and recovered enough to cope with it.

Unseen triggers!

I don’t understand. I’ve coped really well with all of my triggers and yet I’m still struggling. I’ve not gone over the amount of exercise I agreed I’d limit myself to each day with my psychologist and I’ve had rest days. I’ll admit I could weigh myself less but I’ve not been doing it every day which is good. I’ve not been arguing with my parents. I’ve not been boredom eating, well not in a bingeing way. The food in the house hasn’t bothered me and mum and dad haven’t made any triggering comments. The only thing I can think of is my weight. Not so much that I’ve put some on because since summer started I’ve only put on a couple of pounds but more the fact that it’s not going down. I’ve tried to eat healthier but it’s gone up or stayed the same which then makes me think maybe my only option is to restrict.
Tuesday night...those usual thoughts of needing to restrict crept in. The difference being, I didn’t try to fight them. I’d had enough of fighting and I was so fed up with my body I started to agree that a fast would be a good idea. So, Wednesday morning, the fast began. I knew it was a bad idea and those challenging thoughts kept coming to my mind but I ignored them. I then decided to watch my sister’s keeper which I’d never seen before....bad idea! Apart from Tuesday night I’ve not cried in weeks. Tuesday seemed to unlock the door and watching this just made me an emotional mess. I cried throughout pretty much the whole thing. Part of this was of course because it’s a ridiculously sad film. But the main reason was because all I kept thinking about was how selfish I was and ungrateful to contemplate throwing my life away. Watching it really made me realise how lucky I was and yet here I was starving myself. I watched how it hurt her family and although it might be completely different to an eating disorder it made me think about what I would be putting my parents through if I got really ill again. So I decided to end the fast and I managed to eat. I then of course hated myself for eating after but I decided I would try to carry on being healthy. I knew it would be a struggle but a struggle would be better than relapsing. So yesterday I ate healthily and it was fine. Then today again it was all going fine until the evening. I weighed myself stupidly and panicked. I then reacted in the old way of eating. I just had some biscuits and didn’t binge but it bothered me so much that I’d eaten them in response to weighing myself. I then started to think about how I won’t eat for the weekend. My thinking is all over the place at the moment...it’s a constant battle. Looking at the positives...I’ve not binged or purged and I’ve not fasted (for a whole day anyway). I’ve skipped some meals but then talked myself into eating. I guess it’s mainly my weight that’s making it harder. I wish it would go down without me relapsing but it doesn’t seem to want to. I could exercise a bit more but I don’t want to risk it becoming excessive.
I start a new job next week which means I’ll be a little bit more active again which will probably help in a lot of ways. My weight will hopefully at least stop going up because I’ll be moving around more and I’ll have a little bit more of a routine which will keep me occupied. I’ve not seen my friends lately because of not living near them over summer but I guess the thought of seeing them and having put on weight scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I feel ashamed and it makes me want to hide away.
Anyway, that’s the update on me. I think the scales need to go away and I need to just take each day at a time. If my weight doesn’t go down I just need to accept that because surely that’s better than relapsing. I’m not giving in yet!
Love Jasmin x

This week..not easy.

I look in the mirror, and all I can see is a blob. An untoned, wobbly body of unworthiness. I am filled with shame and disgust as I look at myself, as I sit and feel my stomach roll over my trousers, as I walk and feel the insides of my legs rub together, as I moisturise and feel the handfuls of fat on me. How could I let myself get like this? Gain weight to recover..yes...let myself get to an in excusable point defined by greediness and lack of will power...no.
Every day now I hear those voices...don’t eat, it’s the only way. Think of how you could look. Think of how good you’ll feel. And all it takes is the control and power to starve. I can do that. I’ve done it before. And yet every morning I wake up with those programmed thoughts that I need to eat and to stay healthy. I know that’s the right thing to do but then I just beat myself up about it even more afterwards and the cycle of telling myself not to eat starts again. I feel like I’ve lost that power and I’m trapped in this body. Do I want to relapse? Of course not but I feel like I have no choice. I’ve tried to eat healthily. Not just for a couple of days before deciding it wasn’t working but for months and my weight hasn’t budged.
The hardest thing...I don’t even know if what I see is real. Is that really what my body looks like or is it just a distortion. I know my mind likes to do that but it’s an answer I will never know.
I hate that I’m still too afraid to wear what I want...to go swimming, to allow people to see my body. Can I eat now...yes. Do I fear food as much...no. But does it still have power over my life...yes and I can’t live in this constant war anymore. I’m so scared and confused and I don’t know what to do. This should be easy, stay focused on recovery, don’t let myself fall and yet the more I think that the more I hate myself for being too weak to lose weight.
Do I like the idea of skin and bones...no. But I can’t live with the way my body feels. And that will only go if my body goes.
I hate going out with my friends and feeling like the fat one. I hate the fact I cannot be in a relationship because the thought of someone touching my body makes me feel sick. I hate that I cannot have a relaxing bath because all I can feel is my body. But what do I hate the most about it all...the feelings I get every time I think about relapsing and then stopping to see my friends and family’s faces. The feelings I get every time I think about how good they were to me and what I’d be putting them through. I have two fears...having to live with my body like this and putting my friends and family through a relapse. I cannot escape one fear without having to face the other. I once noticed through a kind of experiment with my psychologist that if I listened to the thoughts initiated by feelings such as the above I get a feeling in my chest. The thought of those fears each make my heart feel like it’s being twisted and tied into a knot. It’s a physical pain there constantly to remind me of the fear I’ll be living with if I try to run with the other. That makes me stop in my tracks and question what I’m doing. Sometimes I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it, even if it was the wrong one. The pain can’t be any worse than living with this fight.
I think of my mum and dad and that knot is pulled 100 times tighter. It is the most unbearable pain to think of putting them through it. I know I blame them sometimes and want nothing to do with them but they’re my mum and dad and I know they don’t mean to make me feel how I do and I couldn’t forgive myself for making them worry all over again.
Am I scared of hurting myself...no. I’m scared of letting everyone else down. I’m scared of having to admit I don’t have the strength and courage I thought I did and losing those reasons to like myself because I’ve worked so hard to like myself for those things.

Staying Strong...

Today's entry is a letter I have just written to myself but first of all I'd like to say a bit about where I am right now in recovery. I have of course said I have recovered from my eating disorder. However I still class myself as being in recovery. I was discharged officially by my dietician 4 months ago. It was from that moment that I felt I was able to take the last step and everything seemed to just get so much easier. I had been doing quite well particularly from the beginning of this year but I see myself as being recovered since I was discharged as I have had no major problems since then. I have still been working on other things such as depression with my psychologist but I was discharged from her last week.
Physically....I am recovered. I am a healthy weight...about 20 pounds heavier than my lowest. I can sleep again, and generally my body is healthier again.
Habitually...I am recovered. I can eat better, I don't b/p anymore, I can go out for meals with friends, I can treat myself etc.
Mentally...My thinking has changed a lot throughout recovery but I think it is the aspect of recovery that takes the longest and continues to take time long after recovery. I have a happier mind and I can challenge thoughts well but it doesn't change the fact that those old eating disordered thoughts still like to try to push themselves to the front again. It is still a part of my day in terms of what I might think about. It is still there when it comes to eating etc. I have control over it but it is because of this that I still class myself as being in recovery. It is because of this that I still have difficult times despite being able to overcome them. I know there will come a time when I will have worked hard enough for this to not be the case. I believe I can get to a point where it is no longer part of my day. That may take years. Its been under 2 years since I even started recovery so to expect my life to be completely free from it I think would be a very fast recovery. I have thought this way for years so I expect it to take years to undo it but I'll get there. When it comes to a life free from my eating disorder or trying to live that way I see myself as being in the early stages so it is still a learning process.
I want to be able to use this blog to share that process with you. I have recently come home for summer which brings up a lot of triggers. The last week has been a bit harder for me. I have dealt with it well but I decided to write myself a letter because I always find it so encouraging. So I thought I'd share it with you...

Jasmin,
The way you are thinking about food and your weight right now is expected so do not feel bad about it. It is summer which brings anxiety about your body, you are at home for a couple of months which brings back old memories and feelings, you are surrounded by more scary foods, there are scales and exercise equipment around, you have long periods of unstructured time, mum and dad make you feel more on edge and stressed and you have less to keep your mind focused. This is your most triggering time since being recovered so it is going to be difficult but I know you can get through this if you just focus on each day at a time. You have not been recovered very long so no one expects you to cope with such a difficult time perfectly. You are still on a recovery journey and this is part of it. If you can get through this it will make you even stronger and next summer you can enjoy it even more because you won’t be scared of the triggers it brings anymore. You have worked incredibly hard to get to where you are, don’t forget why you did it. Don’t forget the sleepless nights, the constant panic attacks, all of the things you missed out on with your friends, how depressed and out of control you felt...is that what you want? You might feel in control now but it is a very slippery slope and before you know it, it will have a hold on your life all over again. You have so much to look forward to but relapsing will only take all of that away from you. You are finally learning to love yourself and see the positives in yourself. You’ve not been learning to do that for no reason. It’s been for times like this, to know that you are a good person and you deserve to be healthy and enjoy your life free from an eating disorder. Loving yourself is your eating disorders main enemy. It will only win if you give into its lies to lower your self-worth. But if you can love yourself you will know better than to believe its lies and you will have the power to never let your eating disorder take control again. So please Jasmin, stay positive and strong and prove to yourself, no one else, that you can take on anything your eating disorder throws at you. You are not a quitter so don’t give up now when you know that deep down all you want is to be free from it and happy.

xxx

I have also been thinking more about the purpose of this blog. My website is about helping other people by giving them recovery resources. To begin with this was just going to be more of an extra thing connected to it to keep you updated on my own recovery. However although I still plan on doing that I would like it to be about more than that. I want it to be another place to help people. Although I will continue to update my website I will also be putting things I write to help people on here. Sometimes this will be things that are already on my website so sorry for repeating myself. I am going to put a page on the website for people to ask me questions and I will then try to answer them on here. It will basically be a general place for me to post all sorts of things on recovery that I write or like, whether its my own recovery, links, advice, videos, articles etc.

Love you all
Jasmin xxx

Eating Disorders CAN be beaten!

Almost 2 years ago, after already a 4 year battle, I was diagnosed with Anorexia. My life was slowly being destroyed but I knew deep down (although my eating disorder liked to argue against it) I had a choice...a choice to recover. For the last couple of years I have used every bit of courage and faith I have within me to fight my eating disorder and I can finally say I have got through the clouds and recovered to find that there lies a rainbow.

I believe that everyone with an eating disorder deserves to feel like I do now...free. It's a long process but with help and support you can all get there. I'd like to make a difference in how eating disorders are viewed and try to promote recovery which is why I have recently become a beat young ambassador. I have also been working hard for a while now on a recovery website. I began it as a recovery project but now, although it is not completely finished yet, I would like to share it with you.

I hope it gives you positive recovery resources and presents you with an honest view of recovery with all its ups and downs but most of all shows that it IS possible and inspires you to make the journey.

www.throughtheclouds.moonfruit.com