Unseen triggers!

I don’t understand. I’ve coped really well with all of my triggers and yet I’m still struggling. I’ve not gone over the amount of exercise I agreed I’d limit myself to each day with my psychologist and I’ve had rest days. I’ll admit I could weigh myself less but I’ve not been doing it every day which is good. I’ve not been arguing with my parents. I’ve not been boredom eating, well not in a bingeing way. The food in the house hasn’t bothered me and mum and dad haven’t made any triggering comments. The only thing I can think of is my weight. Not so much that I’ve put some on because since summer started I’ve only put on a couple of pounds but more the fact that it’s not going down. I’ve tried to eat healthier but it’s gone up or stayed the same which then makes me think maybe my only option is to restrict.
Tuesday night...those usual thoughts of needing to restrict crept in. The difference being, I didn’t try to fight them. I’d had enough of fighting and I was so fed up with my body I started to agree that a fast would be a good idea. So, Wednesday morning, the fast began. I knew it was a bad idea and those challenging thoughts kept coming to my mind but I ignored them. I then decided to watch my sister’s keeper which I’d never seen before....bad idea! Apart from Tuesday night I’ve not cried in weeks. Tuesday seemed to unlock the door and watching this just made me an emotional mess. I cried throughout pretty much the whole thing. Part of this was of course because it’s a ridiculously sad film. But the main reason was because all I kept thinking about was how selfish I was and ungrateful to contemplate throwing my life away. Watching it really made me realise how lucky I was and yet here I was starving myself. I watched how it hurt her family and although it might be completely different to an eating disorder it made me think about what I would be putting my parents through if I got really ill again. So I decided to end the fast and I managed to eat. I then of course hated myself for eating after but I decided I would try to carry on being healthy. I knew it would be a struggle but a struggle would be better than relapsing. So yesterday I ate healthily and it was fine. Then today again it was all going fine until the evening. I weighed myself stupidly and panicked. I then reacted in the old way of eating. I just had some biscuits and didn’t binge but it bothered me so much that I’d eaten them in response to weighing myself. I then started to think about how I won’t eat for the weekend. My thinking is all over the place at the moment...it’s a constant battle. Looking at the positives...I’ve not binged or purged and I’ve not fasted (for a whole day anyway). I’ve skipped some meals but then talked myself into eating. I guess it’s mainly my weight that’s making it harder. I wish it would go down without me relapsing but it doesn’t seem to want to. I could exercise a bit more but I don’t want to risk it becoming excessive.
I start a new job next week which means I’ll be a little bit more active again which will probably help in a lot of ways. My weight will hopefully at least stop going up because I’ll be moving around more and I’ll have a little bit more of a routine which will keep me occupied. I’ve not seen my friends lately because of not living near them over summer but I guess the thought of seeing them and having put on weight scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I feel ashamed and it makes me want to hide away.
Anyway, that’s the update on me. I think the scales need to go away and I need to just take each day at a time. If my weight doesn’t go down I just need to accept that because surely that’s better than relapsing. I’m not giving in yet!
Love Jasmin x