"This is me damn it!"

The following is a quote by Stacey Charter which I read earlier and liked so I thought I'd share it with you...

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me...or leave me. Accept me...or walk away! Do not try to make me like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mould. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."

Love Jasmin x

Anti Ana Action Plan!

Ok...on a more positive note...the past few days have gone a lot better. I came up with a new plan of action in an attempt to put an end to those restrictive obsessive thoughts trying to make their way in again and it seems to be working!
When I saw my dietician I had to write down everything I ate in a booklet each week which I then gave to him to keep. However, I have 3 of them which he let me keep. During those 3 weeks I was still following the diet plan he had given me so I know that most of the meals on it fit in with it. I also remember losing a few pounds during those 3 weeks but slowly so I know it was lost healthily. So I have decided to try to follow those food diaries for the next 3 weeks. That way I should lose a few of the extra pounds I've put on and I'm not so scared about what I'm eating. Knowing there's no reason for me to put on more weight as long as I follow it has stopped a lot of the restrictive thoughts. And I'm not worrying so much about relapsing because I know it's not too restrictive. I'll admit there are a few meals on it that are less than what I should have but I'll try to make sure I add things to those meals.
I've also stopped to look at the positives of the last few weeks and realised that despite the struggle I have made progress. This is the longest I've spent at home without a relapse. It's also the longest I've spent at home without starting to over exercise. I've started adding milk to things such as coffee which I've not done in years and I've even made my porridge with milk instead of water for the first time ever yesterday. It was actually so much better so I did it again today. I also thought about how even though those restrictive thoughts started, not only did I not want to give in but I also felt like I couldn't, I wanted to eat. This time last year if I wanted to restrict I couldn't even force myself to eat let alone want to eat so thats made me realise how far I've come.
Sometimes we are faced with difficulties to allow us to prove our strength. Without this struggle I'd never know if I was strong enough and recovered enough to cope with it.

Unseen triggers!

I don’t understand. I’ve coped really well with all of my triggers and yet I’m still struggling. I’ve not gone over the amount of exercise I agreed I’d limit myself to each day with my psychologist and I’ve had rest days. I’ll admit I could weigh myself less but I’ve not been doing it every day which is good. I’ve not been arguing with my parents. I’ve not been boredom eating, well not in a bingeing way. The food in the house hasn’t bothered me and mum and dad haven’t made any triggering comments. The only thing I can think of is my weight. Not so much that I’ve put some on because since summer started I’ve only put on a couple of pounds but more the fact that it’s not going down. I’ve tried to eat healthier but it’s gone up or stayed the same which then makes me think maybe my only option is to restrict.
Tuesday night...those usual thoughts of needing to restrict crept in. The difference being, I didn’t try to fight them. I’d had enough of fighting and I was so fed up with my body I started to agree that a fast would be a good idea. So, Wednesday morning, the fast began. I knew it was a bad idea and those challenging thoughts kept coming to my mind but I ignored them. I then decided to watch my sister’s keeper which I’d never seen before....bad idea! Apart from Tuesday night I’ve not cried in weeks. Tuesday seemed to unlock the door and watching this just made me an emotional mess. I cried throughout pretty much the whole thing. Part of this was of course because it’s a ridiculously sad film. But the main reason was because all I kept thinking about was how selfish I was and ungrateful to contemplate throwing my life away. Watching it really made me realise how lucky I was and yet here I was starving myself. I watched how it hurt her family and although it might be completely different to an eating disorder it made me think about what I would be putting my parents through if I got really ill again. So I decided to end the fast and I managed to eat. I then of course hated myself for eating after but I decided I would try to carry on being healthy. I knew it would be a struggle but a struggle would be better than relapsing. So yesterday I ate healthily and it was fine. Then today again it was all going fine until the evening. I weighed myself stupidly and panicked. I then reacted in the old way of eating. I just had some biscuits and didn’t binge but it bothered me so much that I’d eaten them in response to weighing myself. I then started to think about how I won’t eat for the weekend. My thinking is all over the place at the moment...it’s a constant battle. Looking at the positives...I’ve not binged or purged and I’ve not fasted (for a whole day anyway). I’ve skipped some meals but then talked myself into eating. I guess it’s mainly my weight that’s making it harder. I wish it would go down without me relapsing but it doesn’t seem to want to. I could exercise a bit more but I don’t want to risk it becoming excessive.
I start a new job next week which means I’ll be a little bit more active again which will probably help in a lot of ways. My weight will hopefully at least stop going up because I’ll be moving around more and I’ll have a little bit more of a routine which will keep me occupied. I’ve not seen my friends lately because of not living near them over summer but I guess the thought of seeing them and having put on weight scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I feel ashamed and it makes me want to hide away.
Anyway, that’s the update on me. I think the scales need to go away and I need to just take each day at a time. If my weight doesn’t go down I just need to accept that because surely that’s better than relapsing. I’m not giving in yet!
Love Jasmin x

This week..not easy.

I look in the mirror, and all I can see is a blob. An untoned, wobbly body of unworthiness. I am filled with shame and disgust as I look at myself, as I sit and feel my stomach roll over my trousers, as I walk and feel the insides of my legs rub together, as I moisturise and feel the handfuls of fat on me. How could I let myself get like this? Gain weight to recover..yes...let myself get to an in excusable point defined by greediness and lack of will power...no.
Every day now I hear those voices...don’t eat, it’s the only way. Think of how you could look. Think of how good you’ll feel. And all it takes is the control and power to starve. I can do that. I’ve done it before. And yet every morning I wake up with those programmed thoughts that I need to eat and to stay healthy. I know that’s the right thing to do but then I just beat myself up about it even more afterwards and the cycle of telling myself not to eat starts again. I feel like I’ve lost that power and I’m trapped in this body. Do I want to relapse? Of course not but I feel like I have no choice. I’ve tried to eat healthily. Not just for a couple of days before deciding it wasn’t working but for months and my weight hasn’t budged.
The hardest thing...I don’t even know if what I see is real. Is that really what my body looks like or is it just a distortion. I know my mind likes to do that but it’s an answer I will never know.
I hate that I’m still too afraid to wear what I want...to go swimming, to allow people to see my body. Can I eat now...yes. Do I fear food as much...no. But does it still have power over my life...yes and I can’t live in this constant war anymore. I’m so scared and confused and I don’t know what to do. This should be easy, stay focused on recovery, don’t let myself fall and yet the more I think that the more I hate myself for being too weak to lose weight.
Do I like the idea of skin and bones...no. But I can’t live with the way my body feels. And that will only go if my body goes.
I hate going out with my friends and feeling like the fat one. I hate the fact I cannot be in a relationship because the thought of someone touching my body makes me feel sick. I hate that I cannot have a relaxing bath because all I can feel is my body. But what do I hate the most about it all...the feelings I get every time I think about relapsing and then stopping to see my friends and family’s faces. The feelings I get every time I think about how good they were to me and what I’d be putting them through. I have two fears...having to live with my body like this and putting my friends and family through a relapse. I cannot escape one fear without having to face the other. I once noticed through a kind of experiment with my psychologist that if I listened to the thoughts initiated by feelings such as the above I get a feeling in my chest. The thought of those fears each make my heart feel like it’s being twisted and tied into a knot. It’s a physical pain there constantly to remind me of the fear I’ll be living with if I try to run with the other. That makes me stop in my tracks and question what I’m doing. Sometimes I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it, even if it was the wrong one. The pain can’t be any worse than living with this fight.
I think of my mum and dad and that knot is pulled 100 times tighter. It is the most unbearable pain to think of putting them through it. I know I blame them sometimes and want nothing to do with them but they’re my mum and dad and I know they don’t mean to make me feel how I do and I couldn’t forgive myself for making them worry all over again.
Am I scared of hurting myself...no. I’m scared of letting everyone else down. I’m scared of having to admit I don’t have the strength and courage I thought I did and losing those reasons to like myself because I’ve worked so hard to like myself for those things.