Time to get happy again...

First of all I realise my blog lately has basically become about me coping with life at the moment... It won't stay like this. But then I guess that's what I'm about. I write as a release and then I share it on here in the chance that something I say relates to other people and helps them in some way.

As this is a recovery blog about every up and down it would be wrong of me to lie to you about where I am right now. If I did, I would be accepting that I'm ashamed and none of us should feel ashamed of being in recovery!

The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They could've been worse I guess but that fear of eating has just jumped out of nowhere. I went to get lunch during work yesterday, paced up and down over and over in front of the food and I ended up leaving with a diet coke. Something in me just wouldn't let me buy food even though I was hungry and I wanted it. I was scared of the feelings I'd experience after even though I haven't felt those guilty, punishing feelings in over a year!

Despite this I believe it is just a small trip up along my path. I won't relapse... I've come too far and won't let myself now. I have faith in myself and my strength to stay healthy. So what am I going to do?

I finally spoke to Matt the other day. He said he's not been thinking too much and has been staying in the moment, focusing on the present. That is something I've never been good at! But I think it's a skill I should work on. If I can stay in the present, a lot of those uncomfortable feelings that I want to deal with through food won't be there and I won't be worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. I need to remember to take it day at a time.

Before Matt came along I had spent a lot of that year focusing on myself and growing into a happier person. I was constantly reading books/using affirmations etc to change how I felt about the world and myself. When Matt entered my life I guess I stopped a bit because I was so happy I didn't feel the need to change anything I felt. The problem is, developing your happiness through affirmations, positive thinking, gratitude etc is a way of life, not a crash course. After basically a year away from that way of behaving I have now realised it is something I need to continue in order to feel good about myself. I'm going to go back to focusing on loving myself and believing that everything happens for a reason and will be ok.
I'll use affirmations, read books, be nicer to myself, be more grateful, see the positives and act as if life couldn't be better. Doing that before gave me a life that actually couldn't be better as I was so happy. If I want that again then all I have to do is return to focusing on these things and making my mind a much happier place to live.

Love Jasmin

A moment of fear....

I’m scared. Anorexia makes everything go away. It allows me to block everything else in life out and it allows me to pretend that all that matters is me and my anorexia world. When things feel like they are falling around you how do you not give in to that world. How do you not say... ok, take it all away.
Right now, that’s all I want to do. I know i’ll feel better. The one person I love... doesn’t love me... The one thing I’ve focused on for I don’t know how many years, dance... I don’t think I want to do any more... The things that excited me... don’t anymore... Not long left with my psychologist and the NHS is done with me... Not eating could make none of that matter.
But that’s not what I want. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to become that person again. I’m so much more than that person. I can be whoever I want to be, be whatever I choose to be, so why choose a girl with anorexia? Because that’s all I’ll be. Anorexia and girl who achieved all her dreams don’t go together. It’s one or the other.
I’ve been at the bottom of a hole where I thought I’d rather die than face anymore from life because I wasn’t good enough for anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve beaten myself over and over again because I thought I was worthless... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve punished myself with more self hate than I’d feel towards anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ll grow stronger than this too. I am NOT letting what life has to throw at me pull me down anymore. It's a test.... how much pain can I put her through until she cracks and relapses again... well not this time! I will stay strong, keep fighting and take on whatever life wants to throw at me! I might not know how, but I've not known before and got through it anyway. I'll do it again.