A moment of fear....

I’m scared. Anorexia makes everything go away. It allows me to block everything else in life out and it allows me to pretend that all that matters is me and my anorexia world. When things feel like they are falling around you how do you not give in to that world. How do you not say... ok, take it all away.
Right now, that’s all I want to do. I know i’ll feel better. The one person I love... doesn’t love me... The one thing I’ve focused on for I don’t know how many years, dance... I don’t think I want to do any more... The things that excited me... don’t anymore... Not long left with my psychologist and the NHS is done with me... Not eating could make none of that matter.
But that’s not what I want. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to become that person again. I’m so much more than that person. I can be whoever I want to be, be whatever I choose to be, so why choose a girl with anorexia? Because that’s all I’ll be. Anorexia and girl who achieved all her dreams don’t go together. It’s one or the other.
I’ve been at the bottom of a hole where I thought I’d rather die than face anymore from life because I wasn’t good enough for anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve beaten myself over and over again because I thought I was worthless... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve punished myself with more self hate than I’d feel towards anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ll grow stronger than this too. I am NOT letting what life has to throw at me pull me down anymore. It's a test.... how much pain can I put her through until she cracks and relapses again... well not this time! I will stay strong, keep fighting and take on whatever life wants to throw at me! I might not know how, but I've not known before and got through it anyway. I'll do it again.