Fighting for Wings

I’ve fought beyond my courage, attempted to break free
I have torn you piece by piece, in search to find me.
You make me believe you’re gone, that I am in control
But you are always hiding, deep within my soul.
You wait for those days quietly, when weakness shines in me
Those days emotions blind me, your lies I cannot see.
You seize the day at once, hoping I’ll give in
You forget the back-up faith I have, that I will always win.
But now you’ve learnt my tricks, just like I learnt yours
You wait that extra moment, then grab me with your claws.
You strike when I’m at home, that place where pleasure dies
You know that I’m more willing to give in to your lies.
I try to fight against you, but you will not give up
You attack with all your evidence that skinny is a must.
My army’s getting tired, of trying to fight you
Courage, strength and faith, what more can I do.
I’ve got too much to lose, can’t you leave me be
I feel you growing stronger, I’m scared that I’ll lose me.
But I will not give up yet, I’ll fight until I’m through
I might fall down a hundred times, but rise is what I do.
Ana listen carefully, I hope you one day die
Then I’ll be free to spread my wings and learn that I can fly.

Staying Strong...

Today's entry is a letter I have just written to myself but first of all I'd like to say a bit about where I am right now in recovery. I have of course said I have recovered from my eating disorder. However I still class myself as being in recovery. I was discharged officially by my dietician 4 months ago. It was from that moment that I felt I was able to take the last step and everything seemed to just get so much easier. I had been doing quite well particularly from the beginning of this year but I see myself as being recovered since I was discharged as I have had no major problems since then. I have still been working on other things such as depression with my psychologist but I was discharged from her last week.
Physically....I am recovered. I am a healthy weight...about 20 pounds heavier than my lowest. I can sleep again, and generally my body is healthier again.
Habitually...I am recovered. I can eat better, I don't b/p anymore, I can go out for meals with friends, I can treat myself etc.
Mentally...My thinking has changed a lot throughout recovery but I think it is the aspect of recovery that takes the longest and continues to take time long after recovery. I have a happier mind and I can challenge thoughts well but it doesn't change the fact that those old eating disordered thoughts still like to try to push themselves to the front again. It is still a part of my day in terms of what I might think about. It is still there when it comes to eating etc. I have control over it but it is because of this that I still class myself as being in recovery. It is because of this that I still have difficult times despite being able to overcome them. I know there will come a time when I will have worked hard enough for this to not be the case. I believe I can get to a point where it is no longer part of my day. That may take years. Its been under 2 years since I even started recovery so to expect my life to be completely free from it I think would be a very fast recovery. I have thought this way for years so I expect it to take years to undo it but I'll get there. When it comes to a life free from my eating disorder or trying to live that way I see myself as being in the early stages so it is still a learning process.
I want to be able to use this blog to share that process with you. I have recently come home for summer which brings up a lot of triggers. The last week has been a bit harder for me. I have dealt with it well but I decided to write myself a letter because I always find it so encouraging. So I thought I'd share it with you...

Jasmin,
The way you are thinking about food and your weight right now is expected so do not feel bad about it. It is summer which brings anxiety about your body, you are at home for a couple of months which brings back old memories and feelings, you are surrounded by more scary foods, there are scales and exercise equipment around, you have long periods of unstructured time, mum and dad make you feel more on edge and stressed and you have less to keep your mind focused. This is your most triggering time since being recovered so it is going to be difficult but I know you can get through this if you just focus on each day at a time. You have not been recovered very long so no one expects you to cope with such a difficult time perfectly. You are still on a recovery journey and this is part of it. If you can get through this it will make you even stronger and next summer you can enjoy it even more because you won’t be scared of the triggers it brings anymore. You have worked incredibly hard to get to where you are, don’t forget why you did it. Don’t forget the sleepless nights, the constant panic attacks, all of the things you missed out on with your friends, how depressed and out of control you felt...is that what you want? You might feel in control now but it is a very slippery slope and before you know it, it will have a hold on your life all over again. You have so much to look forward to but relapsing will only take all of that away from you. You are finally learning to love yourself and see the positives in yourself. You’ve not been learning to do that for no reason. It’s been for times like this, to know that you are a good person and you deserve to be healthy and enjoy your life free from an eating disorder. Loving yourself is your eating disorders main enemy. It will only win if you give into its lies to lower your self-worth. But if you can love yourself you will know better than to believe its lies and you will have the power to never let your eating disorder take control again. So please Jasmin, stay positive and strong and prove to yourself, no one else, that you can take on anything your eating disorder throws at you. You are not a quitter so don’t give up now when you know that deep down all you want is to be free from it and happy.

xxx

I have also been thinking more about the purpose of this blog. My website is about helping other people by giving them recovery resources. To begin with this was just going to be more of an extra thing connected to it to keep you updated on my own recovery. However although I still plan on doing that I would like it to be about more than that. I want it to be another place to help people. Although I will continue to update my website I will also be putting things I write to help people on here. Sometimes this will be things that are already on my website so sorry for repeating myself. I am going to put a page on the website for people to ask me questions and I will then try to answer them on here. It will basically be a general place for me to post all sorts of things on recovery that I write or like, whether its my own recovery, links, advice, videos, articles etc.

Love you all
Jasmin xxx

Welcome to my Blog

Ok, so I realise I've not really properly introduced myself yet or explained the purpose of starting my blog. I'm Jasmin, I'm 19 and I study musical theatre and dance....hi!

So like I said, I've been working on an eating disorder recovery website. On there I have put a lot of my diary entries up from recovery. However, the past being over and done with, and me being in a new place in my life I needed somewhere to share all of my new entries. Overcoming an eating disorder involves finding new ways to cope with life. I've been writing about my ED experience for years but never really realised how much it helped me until now. Writing allows me to let out all of my feelings. It helps me to make sense of things. It allows me to write something, leave it and go back to it when I'm in a better frame of mind to deal with it. I can write to myself, to others, pretend I'm writing to others, whatever I need to do to help. So if I'm going to be writing, why not share it with other people. Why not hope that a little bit of what I write, no matter how small can inspire others the way others have inspired me.

That being said, welcome to my blog....let's start beating eating disorders!
Love you all, stay strong
Jasmin xxx

Goodbye letter to my ED.

Dear Ed
It was about 6 years ago that you first befriended me. Things were hard at school and things were not much better at home but you rescued me. I felt alone, misunderstood and scared but you were there to support me. You became the best friend I knew others would disapprove of but I needed you so I kept you a secret, locked away, deep within my mind where only I could hear you. You guided me through every difficult situation. You told me what to do and your advice never failed. Those difficult feelings disappeared and I felt in control. I was rarely ever praised for my achievements and hard work but that didn’t matter anymore. All I needed to do was step on the scales and like you promised if it went down...I felt amazing. You blocked out everything bad in my life by turning my attention to what you made me believe was the most important things in the world...weight, food and eating. I became so focused on this I was unable to see how you also blocked out all of the good things too. More importantly...I couldn’t see the person you were making me. Not until the damage was done. You made me lie and deceive my own friends and family. You made me irritable, depressed and isolated. I detached myself from friends in fear of having to eat. I became angry and manipulative around my mum and dad. I lost all sense of joy and friendliness. I lost myself as everything I ever was became suffocated beneath you! You found your way into my consciousness, made me trust you and then just as you had ingrained yourself and made yourself comfortable you began to take further control over my body in your attempt to kill me. You took down my defences....you weakened my immunity, took away my warmth, destroyed my strength, and robbed me of every bit of energy I allowed you to take. Then you began to play and found ways to damage even my own biological rights....You prevented me sleeping, you toyed with my hormones, you took away my right to have children!
But you couldn’t touch my intelligence. You couldn’t take away the people in my life who made me want to live...not just survive...live. Although you tried, you were not strong enough and were never able to destroy my passion, my dreams and my ambitions. And that is what gave me the ability to see that you were never really my friend. What kind of a friend does that? From the moment I saw you for what you really are I searched and searched within me to find the determination, the strength, the courage and the faith that I knew was still in me to free myself from you. For a year and a half now I have fought everyday to break the bonds you so carefully built in my mind in an attempt to destroy you. I now question if you’re even destroyable, however I think I’ve finally got perhaps as close as I’ll ever get and that’s good enough for me.
You’ve not made recovery easy. I’ve fallen, and fallen and fallen. But I got back up and every time I got that little bit stronger. You caused argument after argument, panic attack after panic attack and made me fear everyday as you bullied me for going against you. But I didn’t give in. So many times I wanted to. I found myself believing that my life was better with you but I gradually came to learn better than believing any of your lies.
You made my life hell and have been the worst experience of my life. But you have also been the most valuable one. You have made me who I am today and for once I can actually say that I am someone I am proud to be. I have discovered more strength and courage in myself than I ever expected to have. I have learnt to accept myself and feel good about who I am. I have been able to start over and begin to mould myself into the sort of person I want to be. I have found control and rationality in my thinking allowing me to overcome any situation. And I have taken a very big step in discovering myself.
Since I was discharged I think I have been scared to let you go. I have held onto you almost in a state of grief. I have been afraid of who I am without you. But now I think I’m ready. I feel confident in myself as a person to survive without you and now I am ready to say goodbye. I’m sure you will always be somewhere deep within me but that is how I would like it to stay...beneath the surface where you can never hurt me.

Eating Disorders CAN be beaten!

Almost 2 years ago, after already a 4 year battle, I was diagnosed with Anorexia. My life was slowly being destroyed but I knew deep down (although my eating disorder liked to argue against it) I had a choice...a choice to recover. For the last couple of years I have used every bit of courage and faith I have within me to fight my eating disorder and I can finally say I have got through the clouds and recovered to find that there lies a rainbow.

I believe that everyone with an eating disorder deserves to feel like I do now...free. It's a long process but with help and support you can all get there. I'd like to make a difference in how eating disorders are viewed and try to promote recovery which is why I have recently become a beat young ambassador. I have also been working hard for a while now on a recovery website. I began it as a recovery project but now, although it is not completely finished yet, I would like to share it with you.

I hope it gives you positive recovery resources and presents you with an honest view of recovery with all its ups and downs but most of all shows that it IS possible and inspires you to make the journey.

www.throughtheclouds.moonfruit.com