Monday 19 November 2012
Saturday 1 September 2012
Food for thought....Indian Style.....
Hello wonderful people....
So.. I have just returned from India!! Hence the lack of posts in the last few months. It was the most incredible experience I've ever had and it made me so grateful to be recovered. Could I have travelled with my eating disorder... probably not... or at least it would have been very hard. I was able to try new exciting foods and wasn't scared about whether or not I could exercise, or weigh myself, or fast etc etc.
But what if you're planning to go travelling and do still have an eating disorder. Here's some tips/facts for travelling India with an eating disorder:
1. Before travelling anywhere it's probably best to look up the traditional food of that country. In India, it is very carb based. If you're a vegetarian then don't worry because a lot of people there don't eat meat for religious reasons so there are A LOT of vegetarian restaurants. The good thing about carbs like rice and roti (kind of like a wrap) is that they are low in fat and very filling. I would feel so full I didn't feel the need to snack between meals. Avoiding carbs in India is not easy. The best way to cope is to ask for small portions and have more vegetables.
2. Spices speed up the metabolism... so Indian food will actually help with this if you can handle the heat!
3. If you purge then perhaps avoid the spicier food!
4. Unless you go shopping for binge food it is usually less available. You have to be very careful with where you buy food because you don't want delhi belly! So this limits your sources for food which will hopefully help to prevent binges.
5. Know your limits. Indian people, especially the mums like to feed you, A LOT. But it is ok to say you've had enough. I had to do that a lot. I knew eating too much may make me feel uncomfortable so I had to learn to stop when I felt I'd had enough.
6. If there are very specific foods you eat then perhaps check before you go that you are able to buy it there or take it with you. There are quite a few places that serve western food... but be careful of salads in some restaurants!
7. Something I struggled with was sometimes feeling hungry. The shops don't exactly have 'healthy snacks'. There were healthy meals or junk food. So I would buy boxes of cereal bars so that if I really needed something I had them near by.
8.In India they seem to like to eat very late at night. If you feel uncomfortable with this then perhaps tell people you would like to eat earlier. If I couldn't get out of eating late I would just eat smaller portions so I didn't go to bed with such a full stomach.
9. Most of the food is very healthy and low in fat... so don't panic! I was there for 2 months, ate whatever I wanted... and my weight remained the same!
10. Let it motivate you to recover so you can let go and enjoy the food!
I'm sure I'll think of more things you should know so I'll let you know if I think of them.
Hope you're all well...
Lots of Love
Jasmin xx
So.. I have just returned from India!! Hence the lack of posts in the last few months. It was the most incredible experience I've ever had and it made me so grateful to be recovered. Could I have travelled with my eating disorder... probably not... or at least it would have been very hard. I was able to try new exciting foods and wasn't scared about whether or not I could exercise, or weigh myself, or fast etc etc.
But what if you're planning to go travelling and do still have an eating disorder. Here's some tips/facts for travelling India with an eating disorder:
1. Before travelling anywhere it's probably best to look up the traditional food of that country. In India, it is very carb based. If you're a vegetarian then don't worry because a lot of people there don't eat meat for religious reasons so there are A LOT of vegetarian restaurants. The good thing about carbs like rice and roti (kind of like a wrap) is that they are low in fat and very filling. I would feel so full I didn't feel the need to snack between meals. Avoiding carbs in India is not easy. The best way to cope is to ask for small portions and have more vegetables.
2. Spices speed up the metabolism... so Indian food will actually help with this if you can handle the heat!
3. If you purge then perhaps avoid the spicier food!
4. Unless you go shopping for binge food it is usually less available. You have to be very careful with where you buy food because you don't want delhi belly! So this limits your sources for food which will hopefully help to prevent binges.
5. Know your limits. Indian people, especially the mums like to feed you, A LOT. But it is ok to say you've had enough. I had to do that a lot. I knew eating too much may make me feel uncomfortable so I had to learn to stop when I felt I'd had enough.
6. If there are very specific foods you eat then perhaps check before you go that you are able to buy it there or take it with you. There are quite a few places that serve western food... but be careful of salads in some restaurants!
7. Something I struggled with was sometimes feeling hungry. The shops don't exactly have 'healthy snacks'. There were healthy meals or junk food. So I would buy boxes of cereal bars so that if I really needed something I had them near by.
8.In India they seem to like to eat very late at night. If you feel uncomfortable with this then perhaps tell people you would like to eat earlier. If I couldn't get out of eating late I would just eat smaller portions so I didn't go to bed with such a full stomach.
9. Most of the food is very healthy and low in fat... so don't panic! I was there for 2 months, ate whatever I wanted... and my weight remained the same!
10. Let it motivate you to recover so you can let go and enjoy the food!
I'm sure I'll think of more things you should know so I'll let you know if I think of them.
Hope you're all well...
Lots of Love
Jasmin xx
Tuesday 15 May 2012
The roots that ground me...
My roots grow from every experience. Like an ageing tree, as each day passes me by I grow into a more wonderful person, if I am able to let my spirituality, creativity and spontaneity fly free.
Every fall, every knock back, every storm and every dark moment aids my roots of strength, resilience and power to grow. Every moment of peace, beauty, and happiness nurtures my roots of faith and love. Every challenge and opposing force I face increases my roots of determination and courage.
I am a soul, no more and no less than any other soul that has lived. I possess the same potential as every great philosopher, scientist, and other role models I choose to admire.
Knowledge and realisation of this power can allow me to break free of all attachment, misidentification and unnatural emotions that have in the past hindered me. Instead my ability to love unconditionally, open my arms to the law of attraction unquestionably, express myself unfearfully and just be me spiritually will be unlimited.
Jasmin x
Thursday 10 May 2012
Anorexic dreams...
Have you ever had an anorexic dream? It's not something I've come across before or read about so I don't know how common they are... but it's something I've experienced. I'm writing about them because despite having been recovered for quite a while now, I've had 3 in the past week!
In case you've not had one and are wondering what an anorexic dream is I suppose the best way to describe it is through a description of my own dreams...
Dream 1 - I'm in a dance class. People are standing up and being given a number based on how thin they are and they are then put in a line based on those numbers from smallest to biggest. I was left out and when I made my teacher aware she gave me a number which was the lowest and put me at the small end which I was happy about. Then a girl turned up who was late and she was given an even lower number and put before me. This annoyed me. I was still at the very small end but I didn't care.... I had to be the smallest!!
Dream 2 - I'm in a sort of group therapy situation but it's not for eating disorders. We had to keep a food diary for a week and then present it to the group. We had to present it on a board including the number of calories for meals etc. I wanted mine to be lower than everyone else's. No-one else had an eating disorder so naturally my calorie intake was lower but I wanted it to be A LOT lower. I wanted to shock people.
Dream 3 - I used to have an 'ana buddy'... we never really competed but we supported each other. I've not spoken to her in years since I started recovery. In this dream we met again and we started racing each other to get somewhere. We agreed we had both recovered but there was still a sense of needing to be the thinnest and competing against each other so by being together again our anorexia was triggered.
Hopefully you get the idea. I was thinking about why I've had so many in such a small period of time and this is my theory...
While we have our eating disorder, it is our way of coping with big parts of life. When something happens in our life, we use our eating disorder to avoid difficult feelings etc. The problem is that our mind becomes used to this. So when we recover, we might not get urges anymore to use our eating disorder but our mind still wants to when we face difficult situations. In the past week I finished my degree. I have also been a bit stressed about a few things and been very busy. I suppose in the past this kind of week would have triggered my eating disorder. This time however I am recovered so I haven't felt the need to use it but part of my brain is still connected to that coping technique. Perhaps the dreams are my brains way of trying to use my eating disorder to cope without me actually restricting, binging, purging etc.
This may seem a lot safer than actually relapsing. However, the problem is when I remember the dream in the morning. It awakens all of these thoughts of being the smallest, the thinnest and restricting. How do you avoid this? We can't control our dreams can we?
I think the best thing to do in this situation is try to stay completely focused on being healthy. I know it is easier said than done but in the past week I've tried to ignore these dreams and thoughts. I've told a close friend about them and my psychologist, but otherwise I've tried not to think too much about them. I've considered why I've had them and I feel confident it is because of the week I've had but that is no reason to act on them. When I am awake I am coping well with what life throws at me so why let my dreams affect me. I think the best thing to do is to let it out and then let it go. Dreams do not make us who we are and they cannot hurt us.
Jasmin x
In case you've not had one and are wondering what an anorexic dream is I suppose the best way to describe it is through a description of my own dreams...
Dream 1 - I'm in a dance class. People are standing up and being given a number based on how thin they are and they are then put in a line based on those numbers from smallest to biggest. I was left out and when I made my teacher aware she gave me a number which was the lowest and put me at the small end which I was happy about. Then a girl turned up who was late and she was given an even lower number and put before me. This annoyed me. I was still at the very small end but I didn't care.... I had to be the smallest!!
Dream 2 - I'm in a sort of group therapy situation but it's not for eating disorders. We had to keep a food diary for a week and then present it to the group. We had to present it on a board including the number of calories for meals etc. I wanted mine to be lower than everyone else's. No-one else had an eating disorder so naturally my calorie intake was lower but I wanted it to be A LOT lower. I wanted to shock people.
Dream 3 - I used to have an 'ana buddy'... we never really competed but we supported each other. I've not spoken to her in years since I started recovery. In this dream we met again and we started racing each other to get somewhere. We agreed we had both recovered but there was still a sense of needing to be the thinnest and competing against each other so by being together again our anorexia was triggered.
Hopefully you get the idea. I was thinking about why I've had so many in such a small period of time and this is my theory...
While we have our eating disorder, it is our way of coping with big parts of life. When something happens in our life, we use our eating disorder to avoid difficult feelings etc. The problem is that our mind becomes used to this. So when we recover, we might not get urges anymore to use our eating disorder but our mind still wants to when we face difficult situations. In the past week I finished my degree. I have also been a bit stressed about a few things and been very busy. I suppose in the past this kind of week would have triggered my eating disorder. This time however I am recovered so I haven't felt the need to use it but part of my brain is still connected to that coping technique. Perhaps the dreams are my brains way of trying to use my eating disorder to cope without me actually restricting, binging, purging etc.
This may seem a lot safer than actually relapsing. However, the problem is when I remember the dream in the morning. It awakens all of these thoughts of being the smallest, the thinnest and restricting. How do you avoid this? We can't control our dreams can we?
I think the best thing to do in this situation is try to stay completely focused on being healthy. I know it is easier said than done but in the past week I've tried to ignore these dreams and thoughts. I've told a close friend about them and my psychologist, but otherwise I've tried not to think too much about them. I've considered why I've had them and I feel confident it is because of the week I've had but that is no reason to act on them. When I am awake I am coping well with what life throws at me so why let my dreams affect me. I think the best thing to do is to let it out and then let it go. Dreams do not make us who we are and they cannot hurt us.
Jasmin x
Wednesday 25 April 2012
A whole year!
The other day it was a whole year since I last purged. Since then I've not wanted to purge once! Recovery IS possible and this proves it. If I can manage it then so can you. It has taken a lot of courage, faith and strength to do it but if you want to be better enough then you'll do whatever it takes and I promise it is worth it in the end.
That is all for today.
Love a very happy Jasmin
Hope you're all staying happy too!
xxxxx
Tuesday 3 April 2012
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.
Hey wonderful people,
I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho... if you haven't read it then I really recommend it... it's such a beautiful book!
I'm telling you this because I came across a bit of it that I really loved as a quote and want to share it with you....
"Before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."
We can look at this from a recovery perspective... After months/years/decades of our journey to recovery (the dream) things can seem to suddenly become difficult again (such as a relapse or a very difficult/emotional situation that has the potential to cause a relapse). The world is not trying to be evil and put us through even more pain but it is putting everything you have learnt in your recovery journey to the test. It may seem easy to give up and allow the eating disorder to take over once again. But if you hold on that little bit longer you will get through to the other side where you are able to reach your dream knowing from your test that you have learnt the skills along the way needed to keep you there.
Hope you're all ok
p.s. since my last blog..... I'm doing great... food NOT an issue :)
Love Jasmin
I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho... if you haven't read it then I really recommend it... it's such a beautiful book!
I'm telling you this because I came across a bit of it that I really loved as a quote and want to share it with you....
"Before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."
We can look at this from a recovery perspective... After months/years/decades of our journey to recovery (the dream) things can seem to suddenly become difficult again (such as a relapse or a very difficult/emotional situation that has the potential to cause a relapse). The world is not trying to be evil and put us through even more pain but it is putting everything you have learnt in your recovery journey to the test. It may seem easy to give up and allow the eating disorder to take over once again. But if you hold on that little bit longer you will get through to the other side where you are able to reach your dream knowing from your test that you have learnt the skills along the way needed to keep you there.
Hope you're all ok
p.s. since my last blog..... I'm doing great... food NOT an issue :)
Love Jasmin
Monday 19 March 2012
Time to get happy again...
First of all I realise my blog lately has basically become about me coping with life at the moment... It won't stay like this. But then I guess that's what I'm about. I write as a release and then I share it on here in the chance that something I say relates to other people and helps them in some way.
As this is a recovery blog about every up and down it would be wrong of me to lie to you about where I am right now. If I did, I would be accepting that I'm ashamed and none of us should feel ashamed of being in recovery!
The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They could've been worse I guess but that fear of eating has just jumped out of nowhere. I went to get lunch during work yesterday, paced up and down over and over in front of the food and I ended up leaving with a diet coke. Something in me just wouldn't let me buy food even though I was hungry and I wanted it. I was scared of the feelings I'd experience after even though I haven't felt those guilty, punishing feelings in over a year!
Despite this I believe it is just a small trip up along my path. I won't relapse... I've come too far and won't let myself now. I have faith in myself and my strength to stay healthy. So what am I going to do?
I finally spoke to Matt the other day. He said he's not been thinking too much and has been staying in the moment, focusing on the present. That is something I've never been good at! But I think it's a skill I should work on. If I can stay in the present, a lot of those uncomfortable feelings that I want to deal with through food won't be there and I won't be worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. I need to remember to take it day at a time.
Before Matt came along I had spent a lot of that year focusing on myself and growing into a happier person. I was constantly reading books/using affirmations etc to change how I felt about the world and myself. When Matt entered my life I guess I stopped a bit because I was so happy I didn't feel the need to change anything I felt. The problem is, developing your happiness through affirmations, positive thinking, gratitude etc is a way of life, not a crash course. After basically a year away from that way of behaving I have now realised it is something I need to continue in order to feel good about myself. I'm going to go back to focusing on loving myself and believing that everything happens for a reason and will be ok.
I'll use affirmations, read books, be nicer to myself, be more grateful, see the positives and act as if life couldn't be better. Doing that before gave me a life that actually couldn't be better as I was so happy. If I want that again then all I have to do is return to focusing on these things and making my mind a much happier place to live.
Love Jasmin
As this is a recovery blog about every up and down it would be wrong of me to lie to you about where I am right now. If I did, I would be accepting that I'm ashamed and none of us should feel ashamed of being in recovery!
The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They could've been worse I guess but that fear of eating has just jumped out of nowhere. I went to get lunch during work yesterday, paced up and down over and over in front of the food and I ended up leaving with a diet coke. Something in me just wouldn't let me buy food even though I was hungry and I wanted it. I was scared of the feelings I'd experience after even though I haven't felt those guilty, punishing feelings in over a year!
Despite this I believe it is just a small trip up along my path. I won't relapse... I've come too far and won't let myself now. I have faith in myself and my strength to stay healthy. So what am I going to do?
I finally spoke to Matt the other day. He said he's not been thinking too much and has been staying in the moment, focusing on the present. That is something I've never been good at! But I think it's a skill I should work on. If I can stay in the present, a lot of those uncomfortable feelings that I want to deal with through food won't be there and I won't be worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. I need to remember to take it day at a time.
Before Matt came along I had spent a lot of that year focusing on myself and growing into a happier person. I was constantly reading books/using affirmations etc to change how I felt about the world and myself. When Matt entered my life I guess I stopped a bit because I was so happy I didn't feel the need to change anything I felt. The problem is, developing your happiness through affirmations, positive thinking, gratitude etc is a way of life, not a crash course. After basically a year away from that way of behaving I have now realised it is something I need to continue in order to feel good about myself. I'm going to go back to focusing on loving myself and believing that everything happens for a reason and will be ok.
I'll use affirmations, read books, be nicer to myself, be more grateful, see the positives and act as if life couldn't be better. Doing that before gave me a life that actually couldn't be better as I was so happy. If I want that again then all I have to do is return to focusing on these things and making my mind a much happier place to live.
Love Jasmin
Saturday 17 March 2012
A moment of fear....
I’m scared. Anorexia makes everything go away. It allows me to block everything else in life out and it allows me to pretend that all that matters is me and my anorexia world. When things feel like they are falling around you how do you not give in to that world. How do you not say... ok, take it all away.
Right now, that’s all I want to do. I know i’ll feel better. The one person I love... doesn’t love me... The one thing I’ve focused on for I don’t know how many years, dance... I don’t think I want to do any more... The things that excited me... don’t anymore... Not long left with my psychologist and the NHS is done with me... Not eating could make none of that matter.
But that’s not what I want. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to become that person again. I’m so much more than that person. I can be whoever I want to be, be whatever I choose to be, so why choose a girl with anorexia? Because that’s all I’ll be. Anorexia and girl who achieved all her dreams don’t go together. It’s one or the other.
I’ve been at the bottom of a hole where I thought I’d rather die than face anymore from life because I wasn’t good enough for anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve beaten myself over and over again because I thought I was worthless... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve punished myself with more self hate than I’d feel towards anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ll grow stronger than this too. I am NOT letting what life has to throw at me pull me down anymore. It's a test.... how much pain can I put her through until she cracks and relapses again... well not this time! I will stay strong, keep fighting and take on whatever life wants to throw at me! I might not know how, but I've not known before and got through it anyway. I'll do it again.
Right now, that’s all I want to do. I know i’ll feel better. The one person I love... doesn’t love me... The one thing I’ve focused on for I don’t know how many years, dance... I don’t think I want to do any more... The things that excited me... don’t anymore... Not long left with my psychologist and the NHS is done with me... Not eating could make none of that matter.
But that’s not what I want. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to become that person again. I’m so much more than that person. I can be whoever I want to be, be whatever I choose to be, so why choose a girl with anorexia? Because that’s all I’ll be. Anorexia and girl who achieved all her dreams don’t go together. It’s one or the other.
I’ve been at the bottom of a hole where I thought I’d rather die than face anymore from life because I wasn’t good enough for anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve beaten myself over and over again because I thought I was worthless... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve punished myself with more self hate than I’d feel towards anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ll grow stronger than this too. I am NOT letting what life has to throw at me pull me down anymore. It's a test.... how much pain can I put her through until she cracks and relapses again... well not this time! I will stay strong, keep fighting and take on whatever life wants to throw at me! I might not know how, but I've not known before and got through it anyway. I'll do it again.
Thursday 23 February 2012
A roller coaster of emotions...
Recently my boyfriend broke up with me. As horrible as the past 6 weeks have been, being the person I am I like to see each difficult situation as an opportunity to grow and learn something. This experience has definitely been a learning curve!
I want to share my experience with you because although its a very specific situation I think my coping techniques could be applied to many situations.
For the first 2 weeks I was....GREAT... ok bit of an exaggeration but I was ok. I knew I was likely to be upset, feel alone and beat myself up for it because I'd feel it was my fault and I must be a bad person. So first of all I acknowledged that. Then I decided to find a way of coping with that. I was nice to myself! I booked myself in for a deep tissue massage and treated myself. I let myself relax and be kind to myself instead of punishing myself with self hate.
My next technique was to surround myself by supportive people. I thought this would be hard but it was surprisingly easy... people wanted to be there for me! They wanted to spend time with me and take me out and make me feel better. This resulted in a very busy two weeks... it was great because it completely distracted me and made me feel cared about. I was surprised at how good I felt considering the situation. It also helped because a lot of these social situations involved food which made it a lot easier to eat. I didn't find that I suddenly wanted to lose weight and stop eating but naturally my appetite disappeared a lot. Situations where I kind of had to eat helped this.
After the first couple of weeks I think the whole thing hit me. I felt numb. I didn't know what to think or feel about the situation. I could feel myself secluding myself slightly more. This was a hard phase to deal with. I didn't know how I felt so I didn't know how to cope with it.
Luckily I quickly went from this phase to being very upset. I seemed fine and everyone thought I was doing such a great job of coping but I felt miserable. I just wanted to cry but I didn't want other people to know how I felt. I just wanted him to come home and started to wish time away. I started to lose enthusiasm for everything I enjoy. To deal with this I started reading a lot more. When I read I can completely escape to another world. My mind was taken away from the situation and the feelings went with it.
Next.. I got angry. I could understand why Matt had broken up with me but I had tried to contact him because he said he still wanted to be friends and he wasn't replying... this hurt the most... and still does as I still haven't had a reply! I didn't like being angry because I knew he had good intentions but then I realised I had every right to be angry and that was ok. I was able to put myself first and admit I'm worth more than this! I sent him a message telling him this and I've felt a lot better since then. Ive been going on a lot of dates which I think has been good for me (especially as it's always nice to have someone spoil you!)
Since we broke up I've constantly assessed how I feel and thought about how I could deal with those feelings instead of using food. It hasn't been easy but I'm still healthy and eating so it's worked!
Throughout the whole thing I've used my usual coping technique... writing. Such a good release!
I've kept myself surrounded by positive and supportive people and I finally feel like I'm getting to a good place. A place where at least for now I just want to be 21 and have a lot of fun... which is exactly what I'm doing!
So that's how I coped... hope it's useful in one way or another...
Love Jasmin
I want to share my experience with you because although its a very specific situation I think my coping techniques could be applied to many situations.
For the first 2 weeks I was....GREAT... ok bit of an exaggeration but I was ok. I knew I was likely to be upset, feel alone and beat myself up for it because I'd feel it was my fault and I must be a bad person. So first of all I acknowledged that. Then I decided to find a way of coping with that. I was nice to myself! I booked myself in for a deep tissue massage and treated myself. I let myself relax and be kind to myself instead of punishing myself with self hate.
My next technique was to surround myself by supportive people. I thought this would be hard but it was surprisingly easy... people wanted to be there for me! They wanted to spend time with me and take me out and make me feel better. This resulted in a very busy two weeks... it was great because it completely distracted me and made me feel cared about. I was surprised at how good I felt considering the situation. It also helped because a lot of these social situations involved food which made it a lot easier to eat. I didn't find that I suddenly wanted to lose weight and stop eating but naturally my appetite disappeared a lot. Situations where I kind of had to eat helped this.
After the first couple of weeks I think the whole thing hit me. I felt numb. I didn't know what to think or feel about the situation. I could feel myself secluding myself slightly more. This was a hard phase to deal with. I didn't know how I felt so I didn't know how to cope with it.
Luckily I quickly went from this phase to being very upset. I seemed fine and everyone thought I was doing such a great job of coping but I felt miserable. I just wanted to cry but I didn't want other people to know how I felt. I just wanted him to come home and started to wish time away. I started to lose enthusiasm for everything I enjoy. To deal with this I started reading a lot more. When I read I can completely escape to another world. My mind was taken away from the situation and the feelings went with it.
Next.. I got angry. I could understand why Matt had broken up with me but I had tried to contact him because he said he still wanted to be friends and he wasn't replying... this hurt the most... and still does as I still haven't had a reply! I didn't like being angry because I knew he had good intentions but then I realised I had every right to be angry and that was ok. I was able to put myself first and admit I'm worth more than this! I sent him a message telling him this and I've felt a lot better since then. Ive been going on a lot of dates which I think has been good for me (especially as it's always nice to have someone spoil you!)
Since we broke up I've constantly assessed how I feel and thought about how I could deal with those feelings instead of using food. It hasn't been easy but I'm still healthy and eating so it's worked!
Throughout the whole thing I've used my usual coping technique... writing. Such a good release!
I've kept myself surrounded by positive and supportive people and I finally feel like I'm getting to a good place. A place where at least for now I just want to be 21 and have a lot of fun... which is exactly what I'm doing!
So that's how I coped... hope it's useful in one way or another...
Love Jasmin
Wednesday 22 February 2012
Perfectionism and Failure...
Hello hello hello wonderful people,
I realise in the past year I have been extremely bad at writing on here! So I apologise for that. It's been a busy year but I promise to do better from now on!
This post is about perfectionism and failure. I have to admit I am a perfectionist myself and always thought that had a lot to do with my eating disorder. I still think it does but then recently I became aware of another role my eating disorder had... it allowed me to fail. Let me explain...
Being a perfectionist is tiring! You constantly feel the need to be perfect, and seeing as perfect doesn't exist, you are continuously working towards an impossible goal. Your eating disorder fits in with this need to be perfect. But it also has the ability to destroy everything else in your life, making it harder to reach your goal of perfection.
I realised that when I felt I was failing in an area of my life I would struggle with my eating disorder more. First of all it allowed me to feel like at least I was achieving something... but it also gave me an excuse for why I was failing at other things. Being a perfectionist I was ashamed of feeling like a failure, whether it was at school, in my dance classes, in my friendships. But my eating disorder took away the bad feelings because I was able to blame it when I didn't meet my expectations. If I got a bad grade then it was my eating disorder's fault not mine. If I fell out with friends it was because my eating disorder was making me a bad person, not because I, myself was a bad person.
I was tired of trying to be perfect in every area of my life. It wasn't possible. But I couldn't admit to that so instead I found a reason to fail. I was so obsessed with my eating disorder I stopped caring about other areas from my life... it gave me a break.
I haven't realised this until recently. But if I had realised it sooner I would beg myself to see the irrationality in this thinking!
Yes the eating disorder does all of that but there are easier options!
Aim to accept life as it is. Life is not perfect and never will be. We cannot succeed all of the time at everything we do and that's ok. Instead of making excuses, embrace your imperfections, they make you individual, they make you human. Learn to break away from your perfectionism, set yourself goals to help you do this. For example, when I wrote notes in class they would always be pretty messy because I was writing quickly. I couldn't stand to see messy notes so I would then waste time re-writing them all so that they were neat. It was something I didn't need to do. So I set myself the goal of not doing that anymore. It was just a small thing but things like that reinforce to your brain that we don't have to be perfect!
The more you can accept yourself, imperfections and all, the less need you will have to find excuses to fail. You will have less need for your eating disorder.
Love you all.... happy EDAW!
Jasmin xxxx
I realise in the past year I have been extremely bad at writing on here! So I apologise for that. It's been a busy year but I promise to do better from now on!
This post is about perfectionism and failure. I have to admit I am a perfectionist myself and always thought that had a lot to do with my eating disorder. I still think it does but then recently I became aware of another role my eating disorder had... it allowed me to fail. Let me explain...
Being a perfectionist is tiring! You constantly feel the need to be perfect, and seeing as perfect doesn't exist, you are continuously working towards an impossible goal. Your eating disorder fits in with this need to be perfect. But it also has the ability to destroy everything else in your life, making it harder to reach your goal of perfection.
I realised that when I felt I was failing in an area of my life I would struggle with my eating disorder more. First of all it allowed me to feel like at least I was achieving something... but it also gave me an excuse for why I was failing at other things. Being a perfectionist I was ashamed of feeling like a failure, whether it was at school, in my dance classes, in my friendships. But my eating disorder took away the bad feelings because I was able to blame it when I didn't meet my expectations. If I got a bad grade then it was my eating disorder's fault not mine. If I fell out with friends it was because my eating disorder was making me a bad person, not because I, myself was a bad person.
I was tired of trying to be perfect in every area of my life. It wasn't possible. But I couldn't admit to that so instead I found a reason to fail. I was so obsessed with my eating disorder I stopped caring about other areas from my life... it gave me a break.
I haven't realised this until recently. But if I had realised it sooner I would beg myself to see the irrationality in this thinking!
Yes the eating disorder does all of that but there are easier options!
Aim to accept life as it is. Life is not perfect and never will be. We cannot succeed all of the time at everything we do and that's ok. Instead of making excuses, embrace your imperfections, they make you individual, they make you human. Learn to break away from your perfectionism, set yourself goals to help you do this. For example, when I wrote notes in class they would always be pretty messy because I was writing quickly. I couldn't stand to see messy notes so I would then waste time re-writing them all so that they were neat. It was something I didn't need to do. So I set myself the goal of not doing that anymore. It was just a small thing but things like that reinforce to your brain that we don't have to be perfect!
The more you can accept yourself, imperfections and all, the less need you will have to find excuses to fail. You will have less need for your eating disorder.
Love you all.... happy EDAW!
Jasmin xxxx
Sunday 19 February 2012
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