Tuesday, 15 May 2012
The roots that ground me...
My roots grow from every experience. Like an ageing tree, as each day passes me by I grow into a more wonderful person, if I am able to let my spirituality, creativity and spontaneity fly free.
Every fall, every knock back, every storm and every dark moment aids my roots of strength, resilience and power to grow. Every moment of peace, beauty, and happiness nurtures my roots of faith and love. Every challenge and opposing force I face increases my roots of determination and courage.
I am a soul, no more and no less than any other soul that has lived. I possess the same potential as every great philosopher, scientist, and other role models I choose to admire.
Knowledge and realisation of this power can allow me to break free of all attachment, misidentification and unnatural emotions that have in the past hindered me. Instead my ability to love unconditionally, open my arms to the law of attraction unquestionably, express myself unfearfully and just be me spiritually will be unlimited.
Jasmin x
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Anorexic dreams...
Have you ever had an anorexic dream? It's not something I've come across before or read about so I don't know how common they are... but it's something I've experienced. I'm writing about them because despite having been recovered for quite a while now, I've had 3 in the past week!
In case you've not had one and are wondering what an anorexic dream is I suppose the best way to describe it is through a description of my own dreams...
Dream 1 - I'm in a dance class. People are standing up and being given a number based on how thin they are and they are then put in a line based on those numbers from smallest to biggest. I was left out and when I made my teacher aware she gave me a number which was the lowest and put me at the small end which I was happy about. Then a girl turned up who was late and she was given an even lower number and put before me. This annoyed me. I was still at the very small end but I didn't care.... I had to be the smallest!!
Dream 2 - I'm in a sort of group therapy situation but it's not for eating disorders. We had to keep a food diary for a week and then present it to the group. We had to present it on a board including the number of calories for meals etc. I wanted mine to be lower than everyone else's. No-one else had an eating disorder so naturally my calorie intake was lower but I wanted it to be A LOT lower. I wanted to shock people.
Dream 3 - I used to have an 'ana buddy'... we never really competed but we supported each other. I've not spoken to her in years since I started recovery. In this dream we met again and we started racing each other to get somewhere. We agreed we had both recovered but there was still a sense of needing to be the thinnest and competing against each other so by being together again our anorexia was triggered.
Hopefully you get the idea. I was thinking about why I've had so many in such a small period of time and this is my theory...
While we have our eating disorder, it is our way of coping with big parts of life. When something happens in our life, we use our eating disorder to avoid difficult feelings etc. The problem is that our mind becomes used to this. So when we recover, we might not get urges anymore to use our eating disorder but our mind still wants to when we face difficult situations. In the past week I finished my degree. I have also been a bit stressed about a few things and been very busy. I suppose in the past this kind of week would have triggered my eating disorder. This time however I am recovered so I haven't felt the need to use it but part of my brain is still connected to that coping technique. Perhaps the dreams are my brains way of trying to use my eating disorder to cope without me actually restricting, binging, purging etc.
This may seem a lot safer than actually relapsing. However, the problem is when I remember the dream in the morning. It awakens all of these thoughts of being the smallest, the thinnest and restricting. How do you avoid this? We can't control our dreams can we?
I think the best thing to do in this situation is try to stay completely focused on being healthy. I know it is easier said than done but in the past week I've tried to ignore these dreams and thoughts. I've told a close friend about them and my psychologist, but otherwise I've tried not to think too much about them. I've considered why I've had them and I feel confident it is because of the week I've had but that is no reason to act on them. When I am awake I am coping well with what life throws at me so why let my dreams affect me. I think the best thing to do is to let it out and then let it go. Dreams do not make us who we are and they cannot hurt us.
Jasmin x
In case you've not had one and are wondering what an anorexic dream is I suppose the best way to describe it is through a description of my own dreams...
Dream 1 - I'm in a dance class. People are standing up and being given a number based on how thin they are and they are then put in a line based on those numbers from smallest to biggest. I was left out and when I made my teacher aware she gave me a number which was the lowest and put me at the small end which I was happy about. Then a girl turned up who was late and she was given an even lower number and put before me. This annoyed me. I was still at the very small end but I didn't care.... I had to be the smallest!!
Dream 2 - I'm in a sort of group therapy situation but it's not for eating disorders. We had to keep a food diary for a week and then present it to the group. We had to present it on a board including the number of calories for meals etc. I wanted mine to be lower than everyone else's. No-one else had an eating disorder so naturally my calorie intake was lower but I wanted it to be A LOT lower. I wanted to shock people.
Dream 3 - I used to have an 'ana buddy'... we never really competed but we supported each other. I've not spoken to her in years since I started recovery. In this dream we met again and we started racing each other to get somewhere. We agreed we had both recovered but there was still a sense of needing to be the thinnest and competing against each other so by being together again our anorexia was triggered.
Hopefully you get the idea. I was thinking about why I've had so many in such a small period of time and this is my theory...
While we have our eating disorder, it is our way of coping with big parts of life. When something happens in our life, we use our eating disorder to avoid difficult feelings etc. The problem is that our mind becomes used to this. So when we recover, we might not get urges anymore to use our eating disorder but our mind still wants to when we face difficult situations. In the past week I finished my degree. I have also been a bit stressed about a few things and been very busy. I suppose in the past this kind of week would have triggered my eating disorder. This time however I am recovered so I haven't felt the need to use it but part of my brain is still connected to that coping technique. Perhaps the dreams are my brains way of trying to use my eating disorder to cope without me actually restricting, binging, purging etc.
This may seem a lot safer than actually relapsing. However, the problem is when I remember the dream in the morning. It awakens all of these thoughts of being the smallest, the thinnest and restricting. How do you avoid this? We can't control our dreams can we?
I think the best thing to do in this situation is try to stay completely focused on being healthy. I know it is easier said than done but in the past week I've tried to ignore these dreams and thoughts. I've told a close friend about them and my psychologist, but otherwise I've tried not to think too much about them. I've considered why I've had them and I feel confident it is because of the week I've had but that is no reason to act on them. When I am awake I am coping well with what life throws at me so why let my dreams affect me. I think the best thing to do is to let it out and then let it go. Dreams do not make us who we are and they cannot hurt us.
Jasmin x
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
A whole year!
The other day it was a whole year since I last purged. Since then I've not wanted to purge once! Recovery IS possible and this proves it. If I can manage it then so can you. It has taken a lot of courage, faith and strength to do it but if you want to be better enough then you'll do whatever it takes and I promise it is worth it in the end.
That is all for today.
Love a very happy Jasmin
Hope you're all staying happy too!
xxxxx
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.
Hey wonderful people,
I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho... if you haven't read it then I really recommend it... it's such a beautiful book!
I'm telling you this because I came across a bit of it that I really loved as a quote and want to share it with you....
"Before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."
We can look at this from a recovery perspective... After months/years/decades of our journey to recovery (the dream) things can seem to suddenly become difficult again (such as a relapse or a very difficult/emotional situation that has the potential to cause a relapse). The world is not trying to be evil and put us through even more pain but it is putting everything you have learnt in your recovery journey to the test. It may seem easy to give up and allow the eating disorder to take over once again. But if you hold on that little bit longer you will get through to the other side where you are able to reach your dream knowing from your test that you have learnt the skills along the way needed to keep you there.
Hope you're all ok
p.s. since my last blog..... I'm doing great... food NOT an issue :)
Love Jasmin
I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho... if you haven't read it then I really recommend it... it's such a beautiful book!
I'm telling you this because I came across a bit of it that I really loved as a quote and want to share it with you....
"Before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."
We can look at this from a recovery perspective... After months/years/decades of our journey to recovery (the dream) things can seem to suddenly become difficult again (such as a relapse or a very difficult/emotional situation that has the potential to cause a relapse). The world is not trying to be evil and put us through even more pain but it is putting everything you have learnt in your recovery journey to the test. It may seem easy to give up and allow the eating disorder to take over once again. But if you hold on that little bit longer you will get through to the other side where you are able to reach your dream knowing from your test that you have learnt the skills along the way needed to keep you there.
Hope you're all ok
p.s. since my last blog..... I'm doing great... food NOT an issue :)
Love Jasmin
Monday, 19 March 2012
Time to get happy again...
First of all I realise my blog lately has basically become about me coping with life at the moment... It won't stay like this. But then I guess that's what I'm about. I write as a release and then I share it on here in the chance that something I say relates to other people and helps them in some way.
As this is a recovery blog about every up and down it would be wrong of me to lie to you about where I am right now. If I did, I would be accepting that I'm ashamed and none of us should feel ashamed of being in recovery!
The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They could've been worse I guess but that fear of eating has just jumped out of nowhere. I went to get lunch during work yesterday, paced up and down over and over in front of the food and I ended up leaving with a diet coke. Something in me just wouldn't let me buy food even though I was hungry and I wanted it. I was scared of the feelings I'd experience after even though I haven't felt those guilty, punishing feelings in over a year!
Despite this I believe it is just a small trip up along my path. I won't relapse... I've come too far and won't let myself now. I have faith in myself and my strength to stay healthy. So what am I going to do?
I finally spoke to Matt the other day. He said he's not been thinking too much and has been staying in the moment, focusing on the present. That is something I've never been good at! But I think it's a skill I should work on. If I can stay in the present, a lot of those uncomfortable feelings that I want to deal with through food won't be there and I won't be worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. I need to remember to take it day at a time.
Before Matt came along I had spent a lot of that year focusing on myself and growing into a happier person. I was constantly reading books/using affirmations etc to change how I felt about the world and myself. When Matt entered my life I guess I stopped a bit because I was so happy I didn't feel the need to change anything I felt. The problem is, developing your happiness through affirmations, positive thinking, gratitude etc is a way of life, not a crash course. After basically a year away from that way of behaving I have now realised it is something I need to continue in order to feel good about myself. I'm going to go back to focusing on loving myself and believing that everything happens for a reason and will be ok.
I'll use affirmations, read books, be nicer to myself, be more grateful, see the positives and act as if life couldn't be better. Doing that before gave me a life that actually couldn't be better as I was so happy. If I want that again then all I have to do is return to focusing on these things and making my mind a much happier place to live.
Love Jasmin
As this is a recovery blog about every up and down it would be wrong of me to lie to you about where I am right now. If I did, I would be accepting that I'm ashamed and none of us should feel ashamed of being in recovery!
The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They could've been worse I guess but that fear of eating has just jumped out of nowhere. I went to get lunch during work yesterday, paced up and down over and over in front of the food and I ended up leaving with a diet coke. Something in me just wouldn't let me buy food even though I was hungry and I wanted it. I was scared of the feelings I'd experience after even though I haven't felt those guilty, punishing feelings in over a year!
Despite this I believe it is just a small trip up along my path. I won't relapse... I've come too far and won't let myself now. I have faith in myself and my strength to stay healthy. So what am I going to do?
I finally spoke to Matt the other day. He said he's not been thinking too much and has been staying in the moment, focusing on the present. That is something I've never been good at! But I think it's a skill I should work on. If I can stay in the present, a lot of those uncomfortable feelings that I want to deal with through food won't be there and I won't be worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. I need to remember to take it day at a time.
Before Matt came along I had spent a lot of that year focusing on myself and growing into a happier person. I was constantly reading books/using affirmations etc to change how I felt about the world and myself. When Matt entered my life I guess I stopped a bit because I was so happy I didn't feel the need to change anything I felt. The problem is, developing your happiness through affirmations, positive thinking, gratitude etc is a way of life, not a crash course. After basically a year away from that way of behaving I have now realised it is something I need to continue in order to feel good about myself. I'm going to go back to focusing on loving myself and believing that everything happens for a reason and will be ok.
I'll use affirmations, read books, be nicer to myself, be more grateful, see the positives and act as if life couldn't be better. Doing that before gave me a life that actually couldn't be better as I was so happy. If I want that again then all I have to do is return to focusing on these things and making my mind a much happier place to live.
Love Jasmin
Saturday, 17 March 2012
A moment of fear....
I’m scared. Anorexia makes everything go away. It allows me to block everything else in life out and it allows me to pretend that all that matters is me and my anorexia world. When things feel like they are falling around you how do you not give in to that world. How do you not say... ok, take it all away.
Right now, that’s all I want to do. I know i’ll feel better. The one person I love... doesn’t love me... The one thing I’ve focused on for I don’t know how many years, dance... I don’t think I want to do any more... The things that excited me... don’t anymore... Not long left with my psychologist and the NHS is done with me... Not eating could make none of that matter.
But that’s not what I want. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to become that person again. I’m so much more than that person. I can be whoever I want to be, be whatever I choose to be, so why choose a girl with anorexia? Because that’s all I’ll be. Anorexia and girl who achieved all her dreams don’t go together. It’s one or the other.
I’ve been at the bottom of a hole where I thought I’d rather die than face anymore from life because I wasn’t good enough for anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve beaten myself over and over again because I thought I was worthless... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve punished myself with more self hate than I’d feel towards anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ll grow stronger than this too. I am NOT letting what life has to throw at me pull me down anymore. It's a test.... how much pain can I put her through until she cracks and relapses again... well not this time! I will stay strong, keep fighting and take on whatever life wants to throw at me! I might not know how, but I've not known before and got through it anyway. I'll do it again.
Right now, that’s all I want to do. I know i’ll feel better. The one person I love... doesn’t love me... The one thing I’ve focused on for I don’t know how many years, dance... I don’t think I want to do any more... The things that excited me... don’t anymore... Not long left with my psychologist and the NHS is done with me... Not eating could make none of that matter.
But that’s not what I want. I don’t want to relapse. I don’t want to become that person again. I’m so much more than that person. I can be whoever I want to be, be whatever I choose to be, so why choose a girl with anorexia? Because that’s all I’ll be. Anorexia and girl who achieved all her dreams don’t go together. It’s one or the other.
I’ve been at the bottom of a hole where I thought I’d rather die than face anymore from life because I wasn’t good enough for anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve beaten myself over and over again because I thought I was worthless... but I grew stronger than that. I’ve punished myself with more self hate than I’d feel towards anyone... but I grew stronger than that. I’ll grow stronger than this too. I am NOT letting what life has to throw at me pull me down anymore. It's a test.... how much pain can I put her through until she cracks and relapses again... well not this time! I will stay strong, keep fighting and take on whatever life wants to throw at me! I might not know how, but I've not known before and got through it anyway. I'll do it again.
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