"The morning sun is shining just for you"

"Difficulties arise in the lives of us all. What is most important is dealing with the hard times, coping with the changes, and getting through to the other side where the sun is still shining just for you...
It takes a strong person to deal with tough times and difficult choices. But you are a strong person.
It takes courage. But you possess the inner courage to see you through.
It takes being an active participant in your life. But you are in the driver's seat, and you can determine the direction you want tomorrow to go in...
Try not to lose sight of the one thing that is constant, beautiful and true:
Everything will be fine - and it will turn out that way because of the special kind of person you are.
So...beginning today and lasting a life time through - hang in there, and don't be afraid to feel like the morning sun is shining...just for you." (Douglas Pagels)

Take a day off from your ed!

Merry Christmas!! Hope you all have a good day and get lots of nice things :)
If you're anything like I have been in the past then I'm sure all you want for christmas is to be free of your eating disorder. Santa might not be able to magically give us that but that doesn't mean it has to ruin our day.

Take a day off from it! That might be easier said than done but it can be done!
Of coure this comes with consequences after today such as possible excessive exercise, restriction etc to make up for it but if it means you enjoy time with your family and friends for one day then thats the most important thing.
If you're a restrictive eater then I'm not saying stuff your face but allow yourself to enjoy the foods you want to eat (if you're family know then its probably the best present you can give them, to let them see you eat and enjoy christmas dinner).
If you end up binging which I know is a risk on christmas day don't beat yourself up about it. Half the world end up binging on christmas day!! You won't suddenly become obese so don't panic and let it ruin your day.
If you're a purger then try your best to put it off for today because you know it will just put a downer on your day when you could be having fun with your family.

When you think about it christmas dinner isn't the scariest of meals...you can fill your plate with vegetables, and turkey is one of the lowest fat/calorie meats you can eat.

If you're really worried about eating too much then maybe try to have a plan in your mind for the day. Are you going to eat when you want to or stick to a more structured plan of breakfast, lunch, dinner?
Distract yourself! Keep yourself busy. I'm currently doing just that by writing this...I've had breakfast, opened presents :) and now I'm distracting myself before lunch.
Focus on having fun and stop worrying about what might or might not happen. You deserve to have fun and enjoy today as much as everyone else and food does not have the power to change that!

Stay strong, it's just one day!
Love Jasmin

Christmas exercise programme!

First of all I just realised that I had already done a post on the rules of normal eating so sorry if you read it twice.

Moving on, it's nearly christmas...wooo! I LOVE christmas.
Of course christmas can raise a lot of issues when it comes to food, family etc. For me food has never been the main issue at christmas. For some reason the last couple of years no matter how bad my eating has been leading up to christmas (which is usually bad because october to december for some reason seem to be the months I struggle most)I always seem to relax about food a bit more as soon as its christmas. I'll admit this has sometimes lead to a panic after christmas because of wanting to lose weight but the main thing is I refuse to let food ruin my favourite time of year.
I think part of why it becomes less of an issue is because I tell myself I'm not going to worry. I wish I could do that all year round! I'm off from college so I don't worry about having to wear a leotard for a while. I know that if I try to control food it is going to ruin my christmas as well as my families and with so much food being around I am more likely to binge and purge rather than restrict which could possibly cause weight gain anyway. If I actually allow myself to eat what I want I am less likely to binge and won't actually want to eat all the time. Of course I still have issues over christmas and my relationship with food doesn't miraculously fix itself for a month but I seem to focus less on losing weight and more on relaxing and getting through christmas without constantly worrying about my ED.

However, one issue I do have over christmas is exercise....
As a dance student I'm used to exercising a lot. So of course I want to exercise over christmas still because I need to keep my fitness up. But then there's the fact that it's easier to not worry about food if I'm exercising. Over exercising is never a problem for me except for christmas so this year I decided I should prepare myself for this problem in advance and I thought it might help some of you to.
I'm going to make an exercise timetable. I'm going to decide what type of exercise I'm going to do on what days and how long for and make sure I give myself rest days.
Hopefully I'll be able to stick to this and not get obsessed.

Hope you're all ok and not worrying too much about christmas
Love Jasmin

The Rules of "Normal" Eating

I have mentioned that I am currently reading the above book by Karen R. Koenig, although slowly as I am super busy with assessments coming up! But I thought I'd share with you what she says the rules of "normal" eating actually are.

She says that "normal" eaters:

1. Eat when they are hungry or have a craving
2. Choose foods they believe will satisfy them
3. Stay connected to their bodies and eat with awareness and enjoyment
4. Stop eating when they are full or satisfied

It's good to know what we are aiming for! Of course normal eating is different for everyone but this is the general idea.

Love Jasmin x

My Carb challenge...the results!

Ok, so I've been trying to have some form of complex carbs everyday for a few weeks now and the good news is that it has helped with my weight a lot. It's pretty much stayed the same and stopped fluctuating so drastically which is good and proves my theory about complex carbs and my weight. I now feel safer about eating carbs and have found that I do actually enjoy them sometimes so there's no reason to avoid them in the future.

Moving on, I have a new quote for you that I found in a book called 'The Power of Concentration' by Theron Q. Dumont:

"You alone can decide when the turning point will come. It is a matter of choice whether we allow our diviner self to control us or whether we will be controlled by the brute within us. No man has to do anything he does not want to do. He is therefore the director of his life if he wills to be."

The book is about gaining success through concentration but I thought it was a good recovery quote.

Love Jasmin x

My Carb Challenge

Ok, so I don't really like carbs. It's not even the whole carb myth thing that bothers me because after working with my dietician that doesn't scare me so much now. I just don't like complex carbs...rice, pasta, etc. I don't like the taste or texture. I'm ok with toast but I don't particularly like sandwiches so I rarely eat bread. And I can never be bothered to cook potatoes so unless I go home and my mum cooks them for me I don't have them. The main things I will have is porridge, cereal or maybe a bagel sometimes for breakfast.

My dietician put me on a diet plan over a year ago that involved eating more carbs in a way that I wouldn't gain weight. I tried it and infact lost weight but didn't stick to it as well as I should purely because of my dislike for those foods.

However, when I came back to uni in september I started to eat a lot more carbs. I was more relaxed around food and wanted to eat bigger meals because I needed the energy so I started eating more carbs. Again I found I lost weight. My exercise had increased because I was back at uni and study dance so it could partly be due to that but even so if my calories were increased I would have only expected my weight to remain the same. In the past month however I have had less carbs and my weight has been fluctuating all over the place.

Complex carbs are an important part of our everyday diet (I will do a separate post on this another time). I know I should be eating more of them. I am also interested to see if eating carbs continues to stabilize my weight in the way it has in the past or even cause weight loss as my dietician always seemed to think it was possible and so far he has proved to be right.

At the weekend I bought a recipe book with ideas for carbs so that I can find recipes I actually enjoy to make me want to eat carbs. Every day this week I am trying to have complex carbs of some form other than at breakfast. Saturday - Rice, Sunday - Bread, Today - Rice. I shall continue for the week to see how it affects me and hopefully start to enjoy carbs. I shall let you know what happens!

Jasmin x

The Rules of "Normal Eating"

The Rules of "Normal Eating" is a book written by Karen R.Koenig. I bought it yesterday and already love it.

We go into recovery hoping to come out the other end with somewhat "normal" eating habits. At least that's what I wanted. But what is "normal"? Normal is different for everyone but here are some of the rules in the book. Normal eaters:

- Eat when they are hungry or have a craving
- Choose foods they believe will satisfy them
- Stay connected to their bodies and eat with awareness and enjoyment
- Stop eating when they are full or satisfied

Something she wrote which I particularly liked is the following:

"I think of myself as a "normal" eater about 90-95 percent of the time. Because of my dysfunctional relationship with food for three-plus decade, I accept that I might never eat like someone who never had an eating problem. And that's fine with me. I'm like a person who has learned a second language and speaks it fluently but with a slight accent, or someone who has been injured and walks with a barely perceptable limp. I don't expect to be perfect."

I believe that full recovery is possible. However I don't think this means your relationship with food has to be perfect. It is important to expect this and don't beat yourself up for any residual habits or thoughts you might have after recovery.

Hope you're all ok.
Jasmin x

Finding the positives...

When in recovery it can feel like you are constantly taking 1 step forward, 2 steps backwards. You may find that all you can see are the negatives, the "failures", the bad days, the new things/fears you try to face but don't succeed at straight away.

This can be known as a way of thinking called discounting the positives. I particularly struggled with this type of thinking. No matter how well I was doing or how much progress I was making all I could see were the things I wasn't achieving or the negatives. Thinking this way can make you feel low and depressed which may hold you back. It can make you feel like giving up. The truth is, the positives are there, you're just choosing not to see them.

Here are a few ideas for learning to focus on the positives:

- Start a gratitude book: At the end of every day write down all the positive things you can remember, it can be both eating disorder related (trying a new food) and non related such as a hug from a friend. You'll start to see there are lots of things every day that are positive and to be grateful and happy for.

-Sticker poster: I particularly like this one. Draw a picture of your eating disorder...however you want it to look, a person, a colour, a symbol, anything. Maybe write words over it that you associate with your eating disorder such as feelings it causes. Put it on your wall or somewhere you can see it. Everytime you overcome an eating disorder rule or do something positive to fight your eating disorder, put a sticker over the picture. Gradually as you add more stickers your eating disorder will be covered by all the stickers/positive steps you've taken forwards. When you feel like you're 'failing' you can look at it and see how far you've come and how many times you've managed to fight it.

-Write a list of all the reasons you have to be happy. Even if you feel like you don't have any keep thinking and I'm sure you'll find some you just have to allow yourself to see them. Do you have good friends? A nice house? A job you like?

See the positives, feel happier, and you're eating disorder will lose a bit more power and you are taking another step towards your rainbow.

Love Jasmin x

How to stop a lapse becoming a relapse...

First of all I'd just like to share with you that on Saturday I have my beat ambassador training day so as of then I shall be a beat ambassador :D

So, for me I have always felt prepared to prevent lapses and relapses from happening. I know my triggers and so when I am faced with them I know that I am vulnerable to my eating disorder at those times and can fight to prevent a lapse starting. I hope it is similar for you and that you are able to identify your triggers because it's so important in being able to fight your ed. But what if you do relapse? What if you can't prevent it? What do you do then?

Lapses are a normal part of the recovery process. Sometimes we can fight with every bit of energy we have but they can come from nowhere. That was the case with my lapse. I was the happiest I've ever been and it happened so suddenly I had no idea what caused it. I was prepared to prevent one but when it happened I had no idea what to do next. A lapse can be stopped and it doesn't need to become a relapse. But to do that it is a good idea to have a plan incase you are struggling to regain control. Here is some idea's that I learnt from my experience but there are lots of other things that you may find help you.

- First try to identify the cause. If it isn't obvious then perhaps try to write a list of all the possible causes. Then challenge them. By this I mean, what would be the best way to deal with that problem instead of using the eating disorder.
- Make sure you have support, talk to your friends and family.
- Talk to someone other than friends and family. Perhaps a teacher or your therapist if you have one. As great as my friends and family are I often feel guilty for letting everything out to them and I dont want to worry them. But by talking to someone with less emotional connections I feel I can talk more openly without the guilt and it gives me a greater sense of relief.
- At a moment when you are thinking more rationally try to write a food plan that you could try to stick to.
- Gain support from help lines or recovery forums such as the beat messageboards.
- Use distractions
- Surround yourself with people that make you happy.
- Make sure there's food in the house you feel comfortable around but also enjoy - foods that you will be tempted to eat but hopefully won't trigger a binge or make you too guilty.
- Be gentle with yourself. Lapses are normal so don't beat yourself up as it may only make things worse.
- Take precautions - go to the doctor, warn friends and family.
- Remind yourself of reasons to be recovered.
- Spring clean your life - Do you need to catch up on sleep, have some leisure time, catch up on work, de-stress?
- Take each day at a time.
- Do recovery activities.
- Put yourself back in 'recovery' mode as much as possible.
- Go back to your therapist if you still have one.
- Use positive affirmations.
- Take a break and make your health your number one priority.

I hope that helps.
Jasmin x

Pot of Gold...

Here's a poem I'd like to share with you of mine...It's still a bit of a work in progress in a few places but its what came to mind.

I sigh in relief as each moon arrives
I got through the day, I fought and survived.
Counting each day that God's by my side
I did it again, her rules I defied.
The whispers are there, they persist I obey
But courage defends me and shows me the way.
Fear becomes present as I wake to each day
My strength grows inside me as her essence decays.
At times I may worry that one day she'll win
But the power is mine to not let her in.
I was taught as a child that good destroys sin
All I need is the hope that tomorrow will bring.
It may possess sadness, panic or stress
But I've got the tools to sort any mess.
Freedom, happiness, joy and success
They're all within reach if her voice will shout less.
My faith is on going in the power I hold
I accept myself wholly, I will not fit her mould.
Life feels too good when I'm free from her hold
I've fought for this rainbow and I'm keeping my gold.

Love Jasmin xxx

6 ways to keep smiling...

I just came across a card from my teacher that she gave me years ago with the following message...

6 ways to keep smiling:
Hold on to your dreams and never let them go.
Show the world how wonderful you are.
Look on the bright side and don't let adversity keep you from winning.
Be yourself because you are filled with many special qualities.
Keep your spirits up.
Make your heart happy, and let it reflect on everything you do.

Love Jasmin

6 months!

Hi, this is just a quick one as it's late and I need to sleeeeep!

I just wanted to share with you all that today, well yesterday I guess as it's now 12.30, made it 6 months since I was officially discharged. And Tuesday was 6 months since I last purged or have had any problems. I had hoped to achieve 3 at least after I was discharged so I am very happy to have got to 6 rather smoothly I'd like to think. Of course there have been ups and downs but it has all been manageable and I have not let myself lapse.

I wanted to make this post a more important one but I've been too busy so I'll try to do one at the weekend.

I hope this proves to you that recovery is possible and fills you with hope.
Stay strong.

Love Jasmin xxxx

Let's build a current...

"Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centres of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." (Robert Kennedy - 1966)

Together we can not only beat eating disorders but the stigma attached to them by the media. We can change the world's view on them and those suffering will no longer need to feel alienated and scared because the world will be on our side and the battle can be approached not with uncertainty and reservation but with the pride and strength needed to win against this disease.

Keep fighting xxxx

Make your life what you want it to be

I have just been watching a video on a recovery blog and I really liked something she said...

"Recovered to me means that you are living the way you want to live and it doesn’t take an extreme amount of effort to do so."

Right now I feel like my life has got to a point where at this moment in time I am living the way I want to live. I love my uni, my job, my friends, I have become a lot more independent, now I have a job I have a bit more money to be able to spend some on myself, I have just moved into a great new flat in an area I love, family life isn't too bad, I'm not depressed anymore, eating is going well, and as much as my body isn't exactly how I want it, I can live with it without hating myself.

If your life isn't how you want it, ask yourself how you want it to be? What do you need in your life right now and what would make you happy. Of course we'd all like to be millionaires or be famous but think realistically about how your life could be if you took the right steps forward.
After answering this think about how you could achieve some of those things. If you would like a job, start looking. If you would like new friends go out and meet people. If you would like to do something new but don't have the qualifications do a course in whatever it is you think will make you happier.
I believe that if you start to focus on improving other areas of your life and make it the way you want it then recovery will become easier. You will be happier which will cause you to depend less on your eating disorder to give you control. Start to take control of your life in other ways.

You might be thinking that this is easier said than done and how can you make your life the way you want it to be? Start thinking positively. A few months ago my life was no where near where I wanted it to be. But I decided to change how I thought. I started to do different exercises and read books to improve positive thinking. Since then my life has somehow, miraculously improved in so many areas. I will do a post soon on positive thinking to help you with this.

Don't wait for further recovery to start making your life the way you want it. Start doing it now and recovery will follow.

Hope everyone is well, stay strong.
Love Jasmin xxx

The Serenity Prayer

Just because I like it...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever in the next."

Love Jasmin xxxx

Festival Goers

Heyyy, Sorry it's taken me so long to write a new post...
At the end of August I went to reading festival which was an amazing weekend. It really allowed me to feel so happy about recovery because 2 years a go I would never have been able to go and even a little while a go I would have really struggled so it was good to see how far I've come. The festival season is basically over but I thought I'd share some tips with you anyway incase you need them.
1. It is not impossible to eat healthily - I took a stove so that I was able to make things such as soup, you could even boil vegetables. There were also a lot of places selling some helthier options.
2. Take food - there are lots of foods you can take that will last for long periods of time such as apples, tinned fruit, other tinned foods, I even found smoothies that don't need to be kept cold.
3. Make a plan - I made a rough plan of what I would eat each day so that I never had to worry about what I would eat next and it made me feel really in control.
4. Find a local shop - You might have to walk a bit but at Reading there was a Tesco's round the corner so I was able to buy fresh food if I wanted it.
5. Remember you are walking A LOT and need eenrgy - You will be burning a lot of calories from walking, dancing etc so don't panic about not exercising. You will be staying up late etc and need a certain amount of food to keep you going.
6. Treat yourself - It is ok to treat yourself! If you don't allow yourself then you will crave those foods more and it will make the experience harder. You won't feel like you are missing out and if you can manage it then you can feel proud of yourself for doing it. I told myself that on the last day I would eat a burger for the first time in years and I felt so happy that I did it.
7. Enjoy socializing - Use it as a distraction and try not to focus so much on the food. I know that's easier said than done but keep busy and make the most of the experience. Meet new people and have fun!
I hope they help if you're thinking about going to a festival.
Since then I've moved into my new flat which is going well and I've gone back to uni. Things with food are going really well now that I'm back into a routine and it looks like it will hopefully stay that way for a while.
I hope you are all ok
Love Jasmin

p.s. I've been too busy to finish the website yet but will do when I can!

"This is me damn it!"

The following is a quote by Stacey Charter which I read earlier and liked so I thought I'd share it with you...

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me...or leave me. Accept me...or walk away! Do not try to make me like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mould. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."

Love Jasmin x

Anti Ana Action Plan!

Ok...on a more positive note...the past few days have gone a lot better. I came up with a new plan of action in an attempt to put an end to those restrictive obsessive thoughts trying to make their way in again and it seems to be working!
When I saw my dietician I had to write down everything I ate in a booklet each week which I then gave to him to keep. However, I have 3 of them which he let me keep. During those 3 weeks I was still following the diet plan he had given me so I know that most of the meals on it fit in with it. I also remember losing a few pounds during those 3 weeks but slowly so I know it was lost healthily. So I have decided to try to follow those food diaries for the next 3 weeks. That way I should lose a few of the extra pounds I've put on and I'm not so scared about what I'm eating. Knowing there's no reason for me to put on more weight as long as I follow it has stopped a lot of the restrictive thoughts. And I'm not worrying so much about relapsing because I know it's not too restrictive. I'll admit there are a few meals on it that are less than what I should have but I'll try to make sure I add things to those meals.
I've also stopped to look at the positives of the last few weeks and realised that despite the struggle I have made progress. This is the longest I've spent at home without a relapse. It's also the longest I've spent at home without starting to over exercise. I've started adding milk to things such as coffee which I've not done in years and I've even made my porridge with milk instead of water for the first time ever yesterday. It was actually so much better so I did it again today. I also thought about how even though those restrictive thoughts started, not only did I not want to give in but I also felt like I couldn't, I wanted to eat. This time last year if I wanted to restrict I couldn't even force myself to eat let alone want to eat so thats made me realise how far I've come.
Sometimes we are faced with difficulties to allow us to prove our strength. Without this struggle I'd never know if I was strong enough and recovered enough to cope with it.

Unseen triggers!

I don’t understand. I’ve coped really well with all of my triggers and yet I’m still struggling. I’ve not gone over the amount of exercise I agreed I’d limit myself to each day with my psychologist and I’ve had rest days. I’ll admit I could weigh myself less but I’ve not been doing it every day which is good. I’ve not been arguing with my parents. I’ve not been boredom eating, well not in a bingeing way. The food in the house hasn’t bothered me and mum and dad haven’t made any triggering comments. The only thing I can think of is my weight. Not so much that I’ve put some on because since summer started I’ve only put on a couple of pounds but more the fact that it’s not going down. I’ve tried to eat healthier but it’s gone up or stayed the same which then makes me think maybe my only option is to restrict.
Tuesday night...those usual thoughts of needing to restrict crept in. The difference being, I didn’t try to fight them. I’d had enough of fighting and I was so fed up with my body I started to agree that a fast would be a good idea. So, Wednesday morning, the fast began. I knew it was a bad idea and those challenging thoughts kept coming to my mind but I ignored them. I then decided to watch my sister’s keeper which I’d never seen before....bad idea! Apart from Tuesday night I’ve not cried in weeks. Tuesday seemed to unlock the door and watching this just made me an emotional mess. I cried throughout pretty much the whole thing. Part of this was of course because it’s a ridiculously sad film. But the main reason was because all I kept thinking about was how selfish I was and ungrateful to contemplate throwing my life away. Watching it really made me realise how lucky I was and yet here I was starving myself. I watched how it hurt her family and although it might be completely different to an eating disorder it made me think about what I would be putting my parents through if I got really ill again. So I decided to end the fast and I managed to eat. I then of course hated myself for eating after but I decided I would try to carry on being healthy. I knew it would be a struggle but a struggle would be better than relapsing. So yesterday I ate healthily and it was fine. Then today again it was all going fine until the evening. I weighed myself stupidly and panicked. I then reacted in the old way of eating. I just had some biscuits and didn’t binge but it bothered me so much that I’d eaten them in response to weighing myself. I then started to think about how I won’t eat for the weekend. My thinking is all over the place at the moment...it’s a constant battle. Looking at the positives...I’ve not binged or purged and I’ve not fasted (for a whole day anyway). I’ve skipped some meals but then talked myself into eating. I guess it’s mainly my weight that’s making it harder. I wish it would go down without me relapsing but it doesn’t seem to want to. I could exercise a bit more but I don’t want to risk it becoming excessive.
I start a new job next week which means I’ll be a little bit more active again which will probably help in a lot of ways. My weight will hopefully at least stop going up because I’ll be moving around more and I’ll have a little bit more of a routine which will keep me occupied. I’ve not seen my friends lately because of not living near them over summer but I guess the thought of seeing them and having put on weight scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I feel ashamed and it makes me want to hide away.
Anyway, that’s the update on me. I think the scales need to go away and I need to just take each day at a time. If my weight doesn’t go down I just need to accept that because surely that’s better than relapsing. I’m not giving in yet!
Love Jasmin x

This week..not easy.

I look in the mirror, and all I can see is a blob. An untoned, wobbly body of unworthiness. I am filled with shame and disgust as I look at myself, as I sit and feel my stomach roll over my trousers, as I walk and feel the insides of my legs rub together, as I moisturise and feel the handfuls of fat on me. How could I let myself get like this? Gain weight to recover..yes...let myself get to an in excusable point defined by greediness and lack of will power...no.
Every day now I hear those voices...don’t eat, it’s the only way. Think of how you could look. Think of how good you’ll feel. And all it takes is the control and power to starve. I can do that. I’ve done it before. And yet every morning I wake up with those programmed thoughts that I need to eat and to stay healthy. I know that’s the right thing to do but then I just beat myself up about it even more afterwards and the cycle of telling myself not to eat starts again. I feel like I’ve lost that power and I’m trapped in this body. Do I want to relapse? Of course not but I feel like I have no choice. I’ve tried to eat healthily. Not just for a couple of days before deciding it wasn’t working but for months and my weight hasn’t budged.
The hardest thing...I don’t even know if what I see is real. Is that really what my body looks like or is it just a distortion. I know my mind likes to do that but it’s an answer I will never know.
I hate that I’m still too afraid to wear what I want...to go swimming, to allow people to see my body. Can I eat now...yes. Do I fear food as much...no. But does it still have power over my life...yes and I can’t live in this constant war anymore. I’m so scared and confused and I don’t know what to do. This should be easy, stay focused on recovery, don’t let myself fall and yet the more I think that the more I hate myself for being too weak to lose weight.
Do I like the idea of skin and bones...no. But I can’t live with the way my body feels. And that will only go if my body goes.
I hate going out with my friends and feeling like the fat one. I hate the fact I cannot be in a relationship because the thought of someone touching my body makes me feel sick. I hate that I cannot have a relaxing bath because all I can feel is my body. But what do I hate the most about it all...the feelings I get every time I think about relapsing and then stopping to see my friends and family’s faces. The feelings I get every time I think about how good they were to me and what I’d be putting them through. I have two fears...having to live with my body like this and putting my friends and family through a relapse. I cannot escape one fear without having to face the other. I once noticed through a kind of experiment with my psychologist that if I listened to the thoughts initiated by feelings such as the above I get a feeling in my chest. The thought of those fears each make my heart feel like it’s being twisted and tied into a knot. It’s a physical pain there constantly to remind me of the fear I’ll be living with if I try to run with the other. That makes me stop in my tracks and question what I’m doing. Sometimes I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it, even if it was the wrong one. The pain can’t be any worse than living with this fight.
I think of my mum and dad and that knot is pulled 100 times tighter. It is the most unbearable pain to think of putting them through it. I know I blame them sometimes and want nothing to do with them but they’re my mum and dad and I know they don’t mean to make me feel how I do and I couldn’t forgive myself for making them worry all over again.
Am I scared of hurting myself...no. I’m scared of letting everyone else down. I’m scared of having to admit I don’t have the strength and courage I thought I did and losing those reasons to like myself because I’ve worked so hard to like myself for those things.

Fighting for Wings

I’ve fought beyond my courage, attempted to break free
I have torn you piece by piece, in search to find me.
You make me believe you’re gone, that I am in control
But you are always hiding, deep within my soul.
You wait for those days quietly, when weakness shines in me
Those days emotions blind me, your lies I cannot see.
You seize the day at once, hoping I’ll give in
You forget the back-up faith I have, that I will always win.
But now you’ve learnt my tricks, just like I learnt yours
You wait that extra moment, then grab me with your claws.
You strike when I’m at home, that place where pleasure dies
You know that I’m more willing to give in to your lies.
I try to fight against you, but you will not give up
You attack with all your evidence that skinny is a must.
My army’s getting tired, of trying to fight you
Courage, strength and faith, what more can I do.
I’ve got too much to lose, can’t you leave me be
I feel you growing stronger, I’m scared that I’ll lose me.
But I will not give up yet, I’ll fight until I’m through
I might fall down a hundred times, but rise is what I do.
Ana listen carefully, I hope you one day die
Then I’ll be free to spread my wings and learn that I can fly.

Staying Strong...

Today's entry is a letter I have just written to myself but first of all I'd like to say a bit about where I am right now in recovery. I have of course said I have recovered from my eating disorder. However I still class myself as being in recovery. I was discharged officially by my dietician 4 months ago. It was from that moment that I felt I was able to take the last step and everything seemed to just get so much easier. I had been doing quite well particularly from the beginning of this year but I see myself as being recovered since I was discharged as I have had no major problems since then. I have still been working on other things such as depression with my psychologist but I was discharged from her last week.
Physically....I am recovered. I am a healthy weight...about 20 pounds heavier than my lowest. I can sleep again, and generally my body is healthier again.
Habitually...I am recovered. I can eat better, I don't b/p anymore, I can go out for meals with friends, I can treat myself etc.
Mentally...My thinking has changed a lot throughout recovery but I think it is the aspect of recovery that takes the longest and continues to take time long after recovery. I have a happier mind and I can challenge thoughts well but it doesn't change the fact that those old eating disordered thoughts still like to try to push themselves to the front again. It is still a part of my day in terms of what I might think about. It is still there when it comes to eating etc. I have control over it but it is because of this that I still class myself as being in recovery. It is because of this that I still have difficult times despite being able to overcome them. I know there will come a time when I will have worked hard enough for this to not be the case. I believe I can get to a point where it is no longer part of my day. That may take years. Its been under 2 years since I even started recovery so to expect my life to be completely free from it I think would be a very fast recovery. I have thought this way for years so I expect it to take years to undo it but I'll get there. When it comes to a life free from my eating disorder or trying to live that way I see myself as being in the early stages so it is still a learning process.
I want to be able to use this blog to share that process with you. I have recently come home for summer which brings up a lot of triggers. The last week has been a bit harder for me. I have dealt with it well but I decided to write myself a letter because I always find it so encouraging. So I thought I'd share it with you...

Jasmin,
The way you are thinking about food and your weight right now is expected so do not feel bad about it. It is summer which brings anxiety about your body, you are at home for a couple of months which brings back old memories and feelings, you are surrounded by more scary foods, there are scales and exercise equipment around, you have long periods of unstructured time, mum and dad make you feel more on edge and stressed and you have less to keep your mind focused. This is your most triggering time since being recovered so it is going to be difficult but I know you can get through this if you just focus on each day at a time. You have not been recovered very long so no one expects you to cope with such a difficult time perfectly. You are still on a recovery journey and this is part of it. If you can get through this it will make you even stronger and next summer you can enjoy it even more because you won’t be scared of the triggers it brings anymore. You have worked incredibly hard to get to where you are, don’t forget why you did it. Don’t forget the sleepless nights, the constant panic attacks, all of the things you missed out on with your friends, how depressed and out of control you felt...is that what you want? You might feel in control now but it is a very slippery slope and before you know it, it will have a hold on your life all over again. You have so much to look forward to but relapsing will only take all of that away from you. You are finally learning to love yourself and see the positives in yourself. You’ve not been learning to do that for no reason. It’s been for times like this, to know that you are a good person and you deserve to be healthy and enjoy your life free from an eating disorder. Loving yourself is your eating disorders main enemy. It will only win if you give into its lies to lower your self-worth. But if you can love yourself you will know better than to believe its lies and you will have the power to never let your eating disorder take control again. So please Jasmin, stay positive and strong and prove to yourself, no one else, that you can take on anything your eating disorder throws at you. You are not a quitter so don’t give up now when you know that deep down all you want is to be free from it and happy.

xxx

I have also been thinking more about the purpose of this blog. My website is about helping other people by giving them recovery resources. To begin with this was just going to be more of an extra thing connected to it to keep you updated on my own recovery. However although I still plan on doing that I would like it to be about more than that. I want it to be another place to help people. Although I will continue to update my website I will also be putting things I write to help people on here. Sometimes this will be things that are already on my website so sorry for repeating myself. I am going to put a page on the website for people to ask me questions and I will then try to answer them on here. It will basically be a general place for me to post all sorts of things on recovery that I write or like, whether its my own recovery, links, advice, videos, articles etc.

Love you all
Jasmin xxx

Welcome to my Blog

Ok, so I realise I've not really properly introduced myself yet or explained the purpose of starting my blog. I'm Jasmin, I'm 19 and I study musical theatre and dance....hi!

So like I said, I've been working on an eating disorder recovery website. On there I have put a lot of my diary entries up from recovery. However, the past being over and done with, and me being in a new place in my life I needed somewhere to share all of my new entries. Overcoming an eating disorder involves finding new ways to cope with life. I've been writing about my ED experience for years but never really realised how much it helped me until now. Writing allows me to let out all of my feelings. It helps me to make sense of things. It allows me to write something, leave it and go back to it when I'm in a better frame of mind to deal with it. I can write to myself, to others, pretend I'm writing to others, whatever I need to do to help. So if I'm going to be writing, why not share it with other people. Why not hope that a little bit of what I write, no matter how small can inspire others the way others have inspired me.

That being said, welcome to my blog....let's start beating eating disorders!
Love you all, stay strong
Jasmin xxx

Goodbye letter to my ED.

Dear Ed
It was about 6 years ago that you first befriended me. Things were hard at school and things were not much better at home but you rescued me. I felt alone, misunderstood and scared but you were there to support me. You became the best friend I knew others would disapprove of but I needed you so I kept you a secret, locked away, deep within my mind where only I could hear you. You guided me through every difficult situation. You told me what to do and your advice never failed. Those difficult feelings disappeared and I felt in control. I was rarely ever praised for my achievements and hard work but that didn’t matter anymore. All I needed to do was step on the scales and like you promised if it went down...I felt amazing. You blocked out everything bad in my life by turning my attention to what you made me believe was the most important things in the world...weight, food and eating. I became so focused on this I was unable to see how you also blocked out all of the good things too. More importantly...I couldn’t see the person you were making me. Not until the damage was done. You made me lie and deceive my own friends and family. You made me irritable, depressed and isolated. I detached myself from friends in fear of having to eat. I became angry and manipulative around my mum and dad. I lost all sense of joy and friendliness. I lost myself as everything I ever was became suffocated beneath you! You found your way into my consciousness, made me trust you and then just as you had ingrained yourself and made yourself comfortable you began to take further control over my body in your attempt to kill me. You took down my defences....you weakened my immunity, took away my warmth, destroyed my strength, and robbed me of every bit of energy I allowed you to take. Then you began to play and found ways to damage even my own biological rights....You prevented me sleeping, you toyed with my hormones, you took away my right to have children!
But you couldn’t touch my intelligence. You couldn’t take away the people in my life who made me want to live...not just survive...live. Although you tried, you were not strong enough and were never able to destroy my passion, my dreams and my ambitions. And that is what gave me the ability to see that you were never really my friend. What kind of a friend does that? From the moment I saw you for what you really are I searched and searched within me to find the determination, the strength, the courage and the faith that I knew was still in me to free myself from you. For a year and a half now I have fought everyday to break the bonds you so carefully built in my mind in an attempt to destroy you. I now question if you’re even destroyable, however I think I’ve finally got perhaps as close as I’ll ever get and that’s good enough for me.
You’ve not made recovery easy. I’ve fallen, and fallen and fallen. But I got back up and every time I got that little bit stronger. You caused argument after argument, panic attack after panic attack and made me fear everyday as you bullied me for going against you. But I didn’t give in. So many times I wanted to. I found myself believing that my life was better with you but I gradually came to learn better than believing any of your lies.
You made my life hell and have been the worst experience of my life. But you have also been the most valuable one. You have made me who I am today and for once I can actually say that I am someone I am proud to be. I have discovered more strength and courage in myself than I ever expected to have. I have learnt to accept myself and feel good about who I am. I have been able to start over and begin to mould myself into the sort of person I want to be. I have found control and rationality in my thinking allowing me to overcome any situation. And I have taken a very big step in discovering myself.
Since I was discharged I think I have been scared to let you go. I have held onto you almost in a state of grief. I have been afraid of who I am without you. But now I think I’m ready. I feel confident in myself as a person to survive without you and now I am ready to say goodbye. I’m sure you will always be somewhere deep within me but that is how I would like it to stay...beneath the surface where you can never hurt me.

Eating Disorders CAN be beaten!

Almost 2 years ago, after already a 4 year battle, I was diagnosed with Anorexia. My life was slowly being destroyed but I knew deep down (although my eating disorder liked to argue against it) I had a choice...a choice to recover. For the last couple of years I have used every bit of courage and faith I have within me to fight my eating disorder and I can finally say I have got through the clouds and recovered to find that there lies a rainbow.

I believe that everyone with an eating disorder deserves to feel like I do now...free. It's a long process but with help and support you can all get there. I'd like to make a difference in how eating disorders are viewed and try to promote recovery which is why I have recently become a beat young ambassador. I have also been working hard for a while now on a recovery website. I began it as a recovery project but now, although it is not completely finished yet, I would like to share it with you.

I hope it gives you positive recovery resources and presents you with an honest view of recovery with all its ups and downs but most of all shows that it IS possible and inspires you to make the journey.

www.throughtheclouds.moonfruit.com